Private thoughts on public exposure

I'm a hypocrite of sorts -- I've always been a positive proponent of enjoying your fetishes and sexual proclivities to the maximum, and for some people this involves public display and exhibitionism. For those people, I have always said, "go for it!"

I'm one of those people who like to show off too, however with the reality of being involved in a bonafide fetish contest where I'm going to be judged on how I look, how I think and how I could represent a community, it has brought this mantra of mine in question. Do I dare expose who I really am in the possibility that my personal, professional, and sexual identities could clash?

This has happened to me in the past -- innocent online communications and blogging that has had bad unintended consequences. I thought I had learned lessons from these experiences; my personal perspective on this was that if I was going to show myself on display online, I was going to make sure it would remain low-key and set up so that there was no way my real life and my fetish life could ever cross.

...And then this contest came up. I think initially I was more excited than rational and decided to jump into the fray with both feet. Now I am having some internal struggles with this. I have been discussing this with a fellow rubberman who is going to compete in the contest alongside me, and I'd like to post our communications on this to date.

Good points, ****, and useful info.

It makes sense that they will want your face visible for the crowd for all three rounds. That definitely limits the outfit decisions. I was under the impression there was only going to be one Q&A round, but if there are three, then that's the way it is.

For it being Calgary's 'premiere' of this event, I would expect that they want it pretty tame. Unfortunately I showed up late for the Mr. Leather Calgary competition so I missed out on the format of most of that event.

I'm truly sorry about the identity thing -- I have been really trying to limit my exposure to having my personal, professional and sexual lives cross -- it's had very bad unintended consequences in the past that I'm trying to avoid this time around. I had promised myself that I would keep my fetish life humble and modest online, but now I've decided to compete in this contest, so who's actually learning the lessons here? To be honest, the name is the only thing I've misled you on -- the rest of what I've told you is true. I've only been trying to avoid connection of my real name with my online persona. I hope you can understand that.

I'm still sort of hesitant about competing, as it's going to blow my 'cover' wide out into the open. I keep thinking how people (and future potential employers) will Google my name and find that I competed in gay fetish contests and this could affect future possibilities for me. Looking at it in a positive way, I'm hoping that it might open some doors at the same time.

If I had my way we would have been able to compete with pseudonyms, and honestly I had no idea this competition was going to be part of something bigger when I handed in my application -- that it would end at this and nothing more. I only found out about the Priape deal with this contest this week. The winner gets the chance to go to a national competition, and who knows after that? I'm not sure whether that type of exposure is what I want at this moment in my life, but at the same time I'm yearning to do something spontaneous, exciting, and completely different in my life than what I've done to this point. This may or may not be the right thing to do, but it sure will be interesting and different!

I also think I'm putting too much emphasis on the ramifications of this. It's for fun and I plan to have fun with it! As for what happens afterwards, that's something I'm content to deal with when the time comes.

I'm not very fond of the minimal round either. I'm all about full coverage so I honestly don't have a lot of minimal wear to pick from. The smallest thing I have is a pair of hot shorts, so I guess that's what I'm going to have to wear. Maybe I'm prudish this way -- I don't really have any reason to display my bare ass at the bar to a bunch of strangers, but I should've been expecting something like this when I sent in my application and decided to do this in the first place.

Part of my mandate has been to open the possibilities of fetish to a crowd in a part of the country that aren't so open to public display and open celebration of this stuff, so in that way I'm happy to possibly play the role of an 'ambassador' of sorts. But at the same time, doing something that might damage my reputation in a community that respects me is a risk that needs to be contemplated. The jury's still out on that one -- I guess I have two weeks to decide!

I'm glad that you're making the trip for this one, Doug. It makes me feel a little less nervous knowing someone that is going to go through the event with the same emotional tension as I will be!

Talk to you soon
****


--- **** wrote:

Hi:

Re: the rounds - if its the same as the Mr Calgary Leather competition we will be called up one at a time, be introduced, walk out onto the stage and show the outfit then stand there as they ask questions. Then you go to the side of the stage while the next guy is introduced.

Re; What to wear - I've changed my mind about a dozen times on that one. Second round is minimal rubber (I HATE that) it will be a rubber jock and boots. Third round will be latex jeans and shirt. First round I still havnt decided - to my thinking it should be a full outfit of some sort. What ever you feel you look best in. (Makes me realize I really dont have much for full outfits - just parts
- so I have to see what I can dig up yet - first one I can complete will be it) I was planning on having a mask on my belt but not wearing it as they will want to see your face and you have to be able to be heard when you are asked questions.

Re: Name - ok I'm a bit hurt at that one - how would you feel if someone you considered a friend came out and told you they had lied to you from the beginning?

Anyway - thats where it stands - let me know what your thoughts are on this - hopefully they are going to do it like they said. If they decide to do a fantasy portion like they do at MIR at the last min I'm out of there.

****

It seems tensions are running high -- maybe it's all in my head. I really wish we didn't live in a part of the world where this type of exposure was an issue, but unfortunately that is the reality of my reality. I have a pretty influential position in my career. I'm pretty disaffected with what I'm doing so in some way I didn't really let my decisions to enter this contest bother me. I am so fed up with the puritanical thinking of this part of the world; I feel that I must do something to shake things up, make people think about possibilities themselves. Unfortunately I think I might be shooting myself in the foot while attempting to do something I feel is a good thing. Things that originally were meant all in fun are now getting a lot more serious.

Yes, I do realize it's only a freaking fetish contest; but because it is only a contest, do I really need to do this as if I have something to prove? Some community that I need to promote or something to save? I probably have a lot more to lose potentially than to gain by going ahead with this. There's a possibility that if I did actually win this competition, I'm not sure I'd be able to fulfill the next steps anyways. I could see competing in Montreal (actually, that would be a welcoming treat), but what of the next steps? What would be the consequences of the exposure of being in a continentally distributed gay and fetish catalog? Being the model on piles of promotional material? I had always fantastized about something like this happening; I never for a second ever thought that it could come true. I'm elated and freaked out about this at the same time.

I sort of feel that an opportunity has been presented to me to pursue. Like I've said, I've been yearning to do something different and completely against what I've done in the past for awhile now, and this certainly meets those criteria. I've been moving pretty aimlessly through my life for the past few years -- what better than the elusive pseudo-career in fetish modelling to shake things up?

Stubbornly, because I think if I don't do this I'll be missing a rare opportunity to be involved in something personally rare and beautiful, I have to accept the challenge. But I might need a reality check...

I'd like to hear some thoughts on this...whether my rationalizing of this is complete, whether my actions are just in face of the potential risks, and/or whether I'm simply playing too much into this, and I shouldn't worry and just have fun, as I originally intended.