I've had the opportunity to talk to several fellow 'gearheads' over the past few weeks and gained a lot of insight into how people negotiate their fetish desires with their need to maintain a long term relationship with a partner that does not share their fetish outlook or intensity for creative play scenarios. There seems to be a common pattern to how the evolution of the fetish is shaped by the relationship as much as the relationship is shaped by the dialog created by the fetish.
Thank you very much guys, for taking the time to thoughtfully write me back and engage in conversation with me....
What I've learned most importantly is that communication is essential from both parties to negotiate a common ground that both partners can be satisfied with. Each partner needs to express their understanding of the terms and desired involvement coming from the other partner. There can be no assumption as to what the other partner may be thinking -- what their response to a particular fetish is, what they conceive their future with their gear-playing partner to end up looking like, to what degree they want to participate, conversations about opening the relationship, or negotiating boundaries of actions outside the relationship. Also as it was pointed out, there needs to be an understanding on both parts of what 'play' is and whether both partners are comfortable with the boundaries that have been set.
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I've been realizing that my perceptions of how things could or should be are completely different than my boyfriend; I think we're entering an impasse in our relationship where these conversations are going to be inevitable. Our definitions of what 'sex' is, what 'flirting' is, are not very similar, and at the moment it is causing a lot of problems. I do realize that these fetishes are all fundamentally about one thing - sex, and that this is an affront to him, a guy who thinks that monogamy and a 'nuclear family' life are what his destiny is.
I'm understanding more and more that that is a life that I don't want -- of course, I want a man to my own in a loving relationship, but I also need someone adventurous and experimental and flirty and playful - just like I want to be, given the chance. I don't want the big house and two dogs like so many other gay couples I know....BOOORRRRIIIINNNNGGGGG.
That being said, I respect my boyfriend, and we've been together far too long to let something like this - which is supposed to be fun and sexy - be the thing that breaks us up.
Now I have a new conundrum. A couple of my boy friends and I have decided to go to IML in Chicago in May. I have told the boyfriend about it and that he's welcome to come, but that it's been designated something of a 'grrllz weekend' with a dumping of the boyfriends for four days. I have no intention of doing anything other than prance around in rubber all weekend and maybe flirt a little bit. But I'm starting to realize how this makes him feel, finally, I think.
As was discussed, it seems likely that coming to terms with what I define play as and what he defines play as, if we can come to some sort of agreable point there, will be the evolution toward an eventual open relationship. I have other friends that have been in relationships for longer than we have that are at this point -- in fact more than a few. But we're gay; it shouldn't be a big deal, right?
Right now, I don't feel very comfortable about that but I will have to be honest with myself before I can be honest with him. I need to think about this some more. I am going to go to Chicago though. I'm going with some good friends and we'll have fun. It's not like I'm heading there by myself or with someone I just met on the Internet.
But maybe most of all, I feel like I've lied to him. I did make a promise, once upon a time, that whenever I went out in rubber I would let him know in advance so that he could plan to come out as well. We're doing that and I figure it's because he wants to monitor things. When we do go out, I know that he scares a lot of the guys away that want to come up and 'talk'. He's offended by the fact that I really don't think it's a big deal that guys come up to me when I'm in rubber. I know that he's got some self-confidence issues and that my desire to jiggle around in rubber in public is not helping the situation. That's why I don't want him to come to Chicago - if he's there, he won't have a good time and neither will I.
I think we've got a lot of talking to do. The funny thing is, I think most couples where one partner is a practicing pervert and the other isn't go through these situations. It's inevitable. They have to come to some sort of agreement. If it's been done before, it can be done again, so there's hope for us as well.
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