Fetish and Relationships Revisited

Since I wrote the blog entry about negotiating a long-term relationship between a fetishist and a vanilla partner, I've received a lot of feedback from other rubbermen on the topic. As I thought, it appears every relationship gets to the point where a dialog on boundaries and expectations is mandatory. Everyone I talked to is currently in, or has gone through, a period of turmoil in their relationships due to their budding, expanding fetishism gaining increased 'priority' in their lives as an individual and as a partner in a relationship.

I must say that I fall into this boat too. When I first started dating my partner eight years ago, I was pretty heavy into lycra fetishism, but really hadn't delved into latex at all yet. At the time he was also a lycra 'appreciator' -- not to say he wore it often, but had in the past and repeatedly said how much he liked the look on men.

Fast forward eight years later and I'm a rubber freak - four catsuits going on five, lots of other clothing, accessories, vac-bed, hoods, three gas masks, plugs for every orifice, you name it...meanwhile the husband is basically hasn't changed a whole lot and expects similar things from our lovelife as we have had all these years together...tried and true, safe, and sane.

This has all brought new dynamics into our lives -- and an honest dialog about everything is still forthcoming. We manage to get topical discussions in from time to time, but no holistic overview of both of our perspectives and desires on things yet. I'm not sure what the fetishism is evolving into for me so it's hard to communicate that to a partner when you're not even sure yourself what the 'next thing' might be.

I think the key is to try to keep a partner as involved as you possibly can and discuss the 'terms and conditions' as a team rather than set your own pervy rulebook and expect your partner to accept it all without question.

It's frustrating to see latex or leather couples together and think, "they're so lucky -- they must not have to deal with all this negotiation crap", however like any other couple I'm sure they have had similar discussions -- this isn't something that is limited to a kinky/vanilla relationship dynamic. Even two rubberpigs would have different expectations and boundaries they'd be prepared to define within their relationship. If there's anything I've learned in the fetish world it's that everyone is, at a minimum, different in their preferences and expectations. We all stumble across other fetishists online whose tastes and kink are very similar to ours and typically I find this extremely hot and intriguing -- but that's a story for another day (are having similar kink tastes and lifestyles enough to hold two people in a LTR together?).

There are many aspects of a relationship that need to be negotiated and balanced in that you are still dealing with two individuals who may have very different ways of approaching and dealing with relationships anyways. A gay relationship would have different things to negotiate than a straight relationship and has advantages and disadvantages in this respect.

Yeah, the conversations can get strange and uncomfortable sometimes. I 'assume' by my partner's reactions (or lack of reactions?) that he thinks I'm a freak and doesn't want to participate in some of the activities I experiment in because they're too over the top for him. These feelings of depravity/guilt make me get defensive to the point where I end up preferring to play by myself rather than bring any fetish stuff into our mutual sex lives. Consequently the 'normal' sex suffers because I find vanilla, sort of...vanilla. Let's just say right now I'm having a lot more solo rubbersex than I'm having with another human being.

For example, there have been instances where I'm completely rubberized head-to-toe and he fucks me (my interpretation: obligingly), but he has no desire to get into the play scene at all -- doesn't spend the time on a lot of foreplay or dressing up (although, in his defense, foreplay is a tad difficult with a gas mask on). I don't think he really understands what 'play' is and being vanilla, he doesn't really see any need or purpose behind it.

Despite admittedly not having a lot of conversations about this, I haven't really seen a lot of signals from him that he wants to get into more complex play situations...he's really not that imaginative or inspired, I guess.

He says that my interpretations of his reactions are wrong, but then he doesn't really initiate anything when I'm getting frisky in rubber. I think in our particular case he is getting a little overwhelmed by it all but doesn't want to say anything. It also doesn't help that our down-time schedules do not cross as often as desired, so I find myself playing in rubber by myself even more, which is evolving into something of a lonely, frustrating venture. Not surprisingly, now I have the increasing desire to play with others that would be fully appreciative of the scene, and playing at times when it is convenient for all participants.

I don't think he understands that to me, if the scene isn't arousing for both of us, I'd rather not do it together at all.

To be fair, some fetish play is very much an individual venture by nature. Case in point: the vac-bed. He (obligingly) zips me in and monitors things, but to have him initiate a massage or get involved in some other fashion? It's something I have to instruct him to do, not something that he would do instinctively. And heaven forbid if I could ever get him into it. He sees the vac-bed as being a very solo endeavor that is very boring for the monitor. I find it very frustrating and as a result, the vac-bed has been in storage for some period of time now. I have to figure out better ways to get him interested. I would like to get him into some rubber just to show him how erotic two warm latex-clad bodies rubbing and grinding against each other is. My plan is to start getting him to tie me up as a rubber prisoner, something that will force him to get involved in the play scene. In addition, I plan to get him to help me create more videos outdoors this spring and summer.

*sigh* But fundamentally, he has stated that he can't stand the constriction of anything on his neck, etc. so to solve this, I'm going to get him a surfsuit or wrestling suit either in my new order or at IML. I fear that the mantra, "you're either born kinky or you aren't" rings more true in my head each day due to my experiences with my partner. It shouldn't be this much work to involve someone that claims they are 'into it'.

It's definitely a point of contention right now. We need to figure out how to make this work better than it has been so far.

And as it has been pointed out to me several times, I have to keep in mind that all these thoughts I'm having are specifically my thoughts. In order to get a full understanding of what he thinks about everything, we need to have those conversations. Otherwise I don't really see the relationship continuing as we continue to diverge further and further from each other.

So, of course, everyone who is going through with this asks everyone who seemingly has negotiated it successfully for advice and guidance. The answer always seems to be 'it's a continual work in progress' or 'I'm not even close to figuring it out yet'.

Damn! So if I ever figure it all out, I'll develop a 12-step program, write a book and get rich! LOL