Opportunity Knocks?

Should I take advantage of an opportunity presented to me despite some misgivings about the timing and my current situation?

I am considering competing in the Mr. International Rubber competition in Chicago in November. My decision to run or not is taking a lot of time and thought to commit to. There are several reasons for this.

I decided a few months back that I would like to go as an 'observer' this year; just to get a feeling for how the competition operates, who the rubbermen are and what is required to make the final three. This way I would be better prepared to go into a competition next year with confidence. I still wouldn't mind this scenario. It would give me a lot of opportunity to gain some experience with the rubber lifestyle and most likely allow development of some stronger friendships without having a spotlight on my activities over the weekend.

I asked my boyfriend to stay at home in November. I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions in my life recently, particularly about our relationship. I felt that a sexy weekend away without him might do me some good. I'm a very loyal and devoted boyfriend. I also take on unnecessary guilt about things out of my control. I'm going through a lot of angst because of the fact that I might be leaving him behind for something that I personally consider quite important. But he's not a player, not a fetishist, and I feel most of the time he is only participating in my rubber play as a side-kick simply because he loves me and would do anything for me. I use the term 'participate' very loosely here. He will not initiate anything in this realm, nor does he really want to get into a scene unless I prod him to. I felt while in Chicago for IML that there were things that I would have done had he not been there that I regret not doing now.

But he's a loving, emotional being, and I know I'm hurting him by not wanting him to be at the event with me.

Because of the dysfunctions of our relationship and the obstacles they've put in the way of my desires for further experience in latex fetishism, at this point in my life I feel that I'm not the best choice for what would be required as the 2009 titleholder.

But can I really generalize what defines a 'rubberman' anyways? I'm as much into the elemental esthetics and fantasy of a rubberclad male as the sex, sensuality, and physicality of it. I feel sometimes that this makes me less of a rubberman -- that in order to truly flourish in a fetish, you must either have a partner equally passionate or be single in order for your experiences and limits to be defined and grow.

I don't really understand how this balance and general fascination by all things gay, latex and male can be a disadvantage, however I still feel it as being that way.

For example, obviously I'm a huge fan of total enclosure and breathplay. In certain scenes, if there's skin showing, the fantasy is not complete. I find that a lot of guys in the rubber community are much more into seeing skin and exposed maleness as much as I'm into covering it with a layer of thin, stretchy latex. Does the fact that complete latex coverage adds so much to a scene for me create an issue with those (presumably a much large number) that simply see latex esthetics and play as a precursor to sex? I'm not sure if my desire for extreme confinement in a skintight suit or body cover along with bondage puts us all on the same level. However my observations could be completely out to lunch.

I feel pretty naive about the whole thing and crave new experiences to help steer my own development and decisions into the future. I have not had deep relationships with other rubbermen who could bring out my true desires and feelings. More missed opportunities...even when it was moving down that path with a few on-line friends, I would always cut it off prematurely due to the loyalty I have to my relationship.

I hate the thought that my rubber fetishism could be the thing that 'wrecks' my relationship, or more accurately, my boyfriend's lack of interest in it being a reason why I desire additional experiences outside our relationship.

I appreciate everything my boyfriend has helped me with so far, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't make me feel any better that he's not getting anything out of the experience or that he is evolving into anything more sensual (to me). He's just not an evolver. I either have to accept that and live with it, or decide what I want out of my life is something else and move on.

I have lots of friends, both on-line and off, that are encouraging me to 'just do it'. I had another conversation with a couple of friends about this this weekend, and they essetially said, "why not?"

I'm starting to think more like this -- I mean, what do I have to lose? Who knows what the future might bring? I may never get another opportunity to do this again. If I DID win, wouldn't the next year be a blast, for all intents and purposes?

I still have reservations about the publicity that would be shone on the winner. I've seen how public BJ has had to become this year because of his 2008 title, and I'm wondering if this is something I'd be okay with. I'm also going to have a visit with Kai in a few weeks. He was one of the runner-ups of last year's competition. This anxiety is probably something I should bring up in a conversation with each of these rubbermen!

Finally, it sort of sucks travelling alone. I don't have a room in the host hotel, but in a B&B close by, still in Boystown.

Either way, I'm going to go and have fun, bottom line. The more I think about it, though, the more I'm moved to send in my application form! What will the consequences be, however?