Confessions 2

As I suggested in the Holiday Hijinks post, the holidays had many ups-and-downs. I generally felt pretty low, and none of the festivities (or lack thereof) really did much to lift the spirits this year. It seemed like everything was off - there really weren't many organized New Year's party (wtf with 'first come, first in' trend for NYE this year? I hope it's not a permanent trend!)

I'm not satisfied with the reaction and support from our friends; most have just turned out to be drinking buddies that really don't want anything to do with uncomfortable situations. I worked my ass off making several meals over the holidays for our friends since Mr. P and I love to host so much. We went to a couple of pre-parties of two of our friends prior to going out to the bar, but nothing much more than that. I was feeling very unappreciated by them and I'm very disappointed with some of them. This has only made me feel more depressed....Mr. P and I are going this alone...it may not be true but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I'm thinking sometimes that maybe I'm too hard on our friends - I mean, they are just doing what they want to do; what does that have to do with me? But holy shit, guys, reciprocate SOMETHING!

Don't get me wrong, we have a couple of very close friends that are very supportive. Most of them have been through this type of shit in their past before so they are able to sympathize. I vengefully think that some of these non-participants will have to go through this shit themselves someday, but then, of course, I will be there to support them because that is just the doormat that I am.

The lump on Mr. P's penis ended up being a third malignant lump. He started radiation therapy the week before Christmas and the abdomen tumours ended up reacting positively to the radiation therapy so they start radiation on the penis one too. The concern was that radiation therapy could potentially cause nerve damage, and I think you know what that means - impotence. Despite the fact he and I haven't had sex in two months, this would be devastating. Obviously there are more important issues at stake but I can only imagine what this would do for his psychological state.

I've been going around playing with other guys...I realize this shouldn't make me feel guilty because Mr. P and I have our agreement/contract, but the current situations were never 'written in' and if anyone needs some cheering up and release, it should be him. I'm a bit relieved that he jumped in on the action with Rbrgear and I on Friday...and then at the same time I was upset that he interrupted our bondage scene without discussing it with me! And then I realized how selfish I was being and pulled back again. Though I found out later from Rbrgear that he ended up feeling a bit uncomfortable with that situation, therefore my feelings were valid; I have since had a conversation with Mr. P about kink scene etiquette and how it is different from sex.