A lot of stuff has been going through my mind recently. I think having completed the move now and getting a full sense of what it means to be single again after a long time in a vanilla relationship have really brought a lot of things to the forefront including the re-invention of my identity in a new city, the balance of public vs. private fetish, what I'm looking for in new guys that I meet and what their perspective of me is.
I've had the fortune of talking to a few intelligent guys recently that have shed some light on these issues for me because of their descriptions of their experiences. It has helped me put some of my concerns into perspective, for sure.
I'm not writing this as atonement for my fetishes. They are what they are, and I'm proud of who I am. I'm not apologetic to those other gay guys and the public at large that don't 'get it', or feel that my appreciation of the fetish might be incomplete because I am quite experienced in full enclosure latex coverage and breath control yet haven't had a chance to really explore all the other facets of rubber fetishism that are available to the extent I want to; examples including rubber bondage, or layering, or all the sex acts that are apparently required of you once you put an article of rubber clothing or gear on.
Also, I'm not apologetic because I'm not as hot for leather as I am for latex or lycra. Sure, leather looks sexy on a guy and it's arousing to see a hot guy in leather, but doesn't really get me off personally. It's not skintight and shiny enough for my liking, simple as that.
That being said, I'm just reporting on my observations and feelings, so let's dive in, shall we? I'd appreciate any thoughts, comments any of you would wish to share.
Topic #1: The effect public display in latex has on development of private relationships.In interesting conversations recently, I've learned that some guys in the scene regard skintight latex, or latex fashion as 'feminine' and therefore are not particularly turned on by latex. Fair enough - that's their opinion. The strange thing is that I never really thought of skintight latex or lycra as being feminine from a fetish perspective. Sure, in the society at large (the North American culture in particular that I'm all-too-familiar with), anything related to 'skintight' is deemed effeminate. That's why speedos have disappeared off the beaches across the continent. That's why tights are associated with male dancers, cyclists and elite-performance athletes (which is why I find the effeminate thing fundamentally odd since these role models are to many the physical epitome of masculinity). There is still a huge fear of anything remotely gay in most of North American society, although this is slowly changing.
However similar lycra and latex are, from a cultural perspective there is a magnitude of difference.
A great thing was said by a guy I was having a conversation with recently. He said:
I gotta say that I really appreciate questioning how much you want to be publically identified as a more-than-casual rubber fetishist. Originally being so public about my fetish has impacted my life in ways that I never expected.
At first, this made me so angry. Boyfriends didn’t drop their partners because they were into boots. Friends didn’t feel nervous when someone talked about piss, not it's just hot or not. But rubber...so many men have told me that they think rubber seems feminine which I understand but also know that this idea misses the point.
What I have decided is that rubber doesn’t turn people off because it is just weird to them. Instead, it actually disturbs and scares them because a rubber fetish is not a contained idea, it is a contagious one. Without needing to know the particulars, someone who isn’t into rubber can sense that it is different than most fetishes.
I found this statement very profound. Rubber
is different. It is not like leather or boots or sports gear because it is generally unfamiliar and somehow completely different from all the others. With rubber you are either re-creating reality in a parallel universe, so to speak (e.g., rubber cop uniform, rubber football uniform), or creating something completely fantastical (e.g, blow-up alien outfit, superheroes), or creating something culturally reprehensible (e.g., medical scene, anyone?), something almost all other fetishes can't or don't do.
My reason for beginning this discussion was because I was questioning the way in which I was presenting myself in public as a rubberman. I have attended all the monthly events and the contests in rubber. I am passionate about meeting new guys and eventually hoping to meet someone(s) that I can develop longer-term kink relationships with. I wonder how I am limiting the field of potential suitors because they would rather dismiss me completely because I appear to always be in skintight latex. Although this isn't my life but a fraction of it, I didn't think it was fair that I would be judged as a 24/7 rubberman when I'm really not. I think there are a lot of expectations and prejudgment associated with rubber fetishism that may or may not be true, but I would hope that someone would at least try to get to know me a bit first as a man and a person before dismissing me as an unsuitable match.
This bothered me for a bit, but not really anymore. I have realized that I am defining myself for me and not anyone else. I expect my lovers to have a kinky side to them at a minimum -- to find a guy that was into latex like me would be the ultimate. Therefore, why would I compromise and get into a relationship with someone that didn't have a kinky or experimental streak in them?
I think for some it is more a matter of general perception. One of the guys I was talking to cited an experience he had where he was layering rubber with another guy into rubber while the boyfriend of his playmate watched. All the while he was being watched by the boyfriend with eyes that said, "You aren’t just a pervert, you are a pervert among pervs and you are going to make my boyfriend even more weird." It was at this point that he started to shift his public passion for rubber back into the private realm and stopped going to public events as much.
I had to think about this one for awhile. My ex said before I left that my fetish was out of control and that no one would understand it. I've come to realize that this fetish is very intimidating and threatening for many people. For me, it is just another persona I have, and a harmless one at that; I am not a threatening or intimidating person if you engage me in conversation, but my rubber persona probably does make me unapproachable for many people. You can see this in the bar when you walk through. Lots and lots of looks, but very little interaction. The more rubber you are wearing, the more profound this is.
I am weird, but no more weird than anyone else, it's just that I choose to publicize my weirdness and this makes me vulnerable to attack, scrutiny and ridicule, all of which you have to take in stride so should you choose to be a public fetishist. It comes with the territory, and is exhilarating and horrifying at the same time.
Topic #2: Identity re-invention in a new city.At first, moving to Vancouver was exhilarating. I could be whomever I wanted to be and present myself to a whole new audience in the way I best saw fit. Once I got here, I began to approach this with some trepidation since I realized that the image of your public self is easy to tarnish and the identity associated to you can stick around for a long time. This is sort of related to Topic #1...I don't want to be stereotyped as being a freak, but I did realize when I decided to 'come out' publicly as a rubberman that this would be the case in some interpretations of who I am.
This is a personal hang-up I am still trying to work out. It is a hang-up many of us growing up in a society that expects you to conform and sanctions against non-conformity have, yet most of us have always known we needed to and wanted to counteract against the rules imposed on us. My mom said that I always "made my life more difficult than it had to be", and in a way, she was/is right. Going against the system that is designed to make you into a particular type of person is difficult, frustrating, draining, even scary sometimes, and requires a helluva lot of courage. But to be true to yourself, no matter how different you are from the expectations put on you is far more important in
your life than trying to fit in because you fear judgment and repercussions of others, most of whom have little or no effect on the long-term outcome of your life whatsoever.
In a city, you shouldn't really care about those people that discriminate against you; you should be concerned about the ones that are interested and want to engage you. They are the ones that
are curious, the ones that
want to learn from you, and the ones that potentially might want to develop a relationship with you because they see the real man behind the mask, so to speak, and like what they see.
Topic #3: Community perspectives on rubber/latex fetishism.Further to the introduction of Topic #1, there are many different types of gummiphiles out there. As I had originally tried to identify it, I believe there were three generalizations of affectation towards rubber (of course a generalization, most are part of all three groups): the 'pigs': the guys that see it as a means to an end (what you see in most mainstream 'gay fetish porn' these days), where once the kinky sex starts, the rubber is either off or pushed to the side -- rubber = precursor to sex; the 'posers': guys that love latex for the sight and esthetics of it - the ones that love to be seen and see others in it but do not necessarily require it for anything sexual -- rubber = beauty; and the 'rubberists': the ones that desire to achieve a true latex/rubber lifestyle by wearing it at all times possible since the stimulation and joy they get from the material is so encompassing and omni-sensory -- rubber = life.
More discussions have gone on about this topic as well. Some know and I agree that the definition of roles in fetish relationships and sex is very much about power exchange. Some are willing to relinquish it to others in certain situations while others are craving more of it in certain situations. Especially when it comes to Top and Bottom roles in BDSM relationships - the power dichotomy is very apparent. The point of this is that if you are trying to generalize the affectation towards rubber, there are many different ways you could classify the people that are affected by it, especially in the current era when classification into traditional roles really doesn't apply anymore. You see Rubber Tops working on non-rubber Bottoms, various types of rubber Bottoms/Submissives and the like...everyone's a versatile to some extent.
Topic #4: Generational development of standards and etiquette and mentoring.Many guys have mentioned that since there is a loss of a generation of role models due to the horrible effects of the AIDS crisis in the 80s and 90s, many of today's kinky guys have had to develop their own sub-cultural norms and mores. This has led to many exciting variations on themes, and more experimentation and flexibility in 'roles' than ever before. Gone are the days of the exclusive Top, most noticably because with that identity came very defined role expectations. Not many feel like conforming to particular identities anymore. We're all versatile. How many 100% Top guys are there on the profile/dating sites anymore? Not many. Everyone will take it up the ass for the right guy, or submit to a Master they know is going to teach them amazing things and send them to the moon and back.
Being pigeon-holed into a particular role is not a popular thing to do these days particularly since the advent of the Internet and the fact that so many people are into so many things. I think there is a movement to experiment and find activities and gear that suit you personally versus trying to shape your behaviors and proclivities to what is expected of your 'role'.
On the topic of the Internet, it has also changed the way that pervy men find and develop relationships with each other. It seems increasingly difficult to encourage younger men to support traditional kink communities and activities because they see the Internet as the first line of contact. The 'olden days' of actually going out to a bar or kink party to meet men seems an antiquated idea. The Internet has been a godsend
and a curse; we are still social animals and men are still visual animals -- the Internet has made the private world of fetish extremely easy to facilitate, but at the same time has negatively impacted the public world. To pre-Internet old fogies like me that remember what it was like to have to go out in public in order to find what you want, we still crave the social, physical aspect of the hunt and the catch, whereas the younger post-Internet generations are quite satisfied to pre-arrange things without physically meeting the other(s). I might be bold to say that I find this way of approaching physical meetings a bit shallow and possibly a bit dangerous, and I believe there is a fundamental need for fetish events and communities because the need for physical contact is in our DNA, basically. Public fetishism will never completely go away. It will always bubble below the surface in the underground realm, and pray to god it will never become mainstream.
Trust is a big issue for me, and this is part of the reason why I wrote this entry in the first place. I have been having a hard time disassociating the trust relationship I had in a long-term relationship (as dysfunctional as it was) in order to have more casual encounters and contact with the fetish community that does exist in my new home city. I simply do not feel right playing with someone I 1) do not have a physical/mental attraction to, and 2) that I haven't established even a marginal trust relationship with. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe not. I certainly think I will miss a lot of fun opportunities but I also think in the long run I will have more fulfilling relationships with pervy guys who, once the trust is established, I will consider much more respectable mentors or partners.
I guess the short of the long story is that we will all have to discover and interpret this stuff on our own and act on it how we see fit. A lot of the conversation started when I was concerned about how much public display I should do and should feel comfortable with when talking with someone who moved their love of rubber back exclusively into the private realm after many years in the public realm because of how they felt they were being defined by others. I think we can all find a balance of public and private that we can be comfortable with. I think both are important in that it is necessary to continue to remind the public at large that there still are lots of vibrant, burgeoning sexual sub-cultures out there that will not go away and that might entice them into becoming a bit more questioning and critical of their own lives, that everything we deem as 'normal' isn't always what it seems.
The bare truth remains that the consumption of our unique relationships with rubber (and our kinks in general) is still largely a personal, private thing and always will be. But there still also remains a requirement for a public aspect to it as well. The definition of who we are should be important to us because we are the ones that have to live our lives, not anyone else. Our definitions affect our public personas. These public personas are also important not so much because of what others think of us but because we still need to be cognizant that there are others out there looking for guidance and experience and those that have 'been through it already' are the ones we look to for the best advice, guidance and mentoring.
Comments? Please post!
