Confessions

Please forgive me for the rambling structure of this entry, it's a braindump about stuff that I hope will be cathartic for me, somewhat, hopefully.

Conversation a few weeks ago on Recon:

- It's been over a year now, yes.
- That's why it's been pretty hard to schedule things.
- He had his leg amputated because of it so we were getting better with dealing with that over the summer, but the cancer came back in September so he's just about to start treatment for that again. Thought we were in the clear but now just starting all over again. Some days it's hard to stay positive and I try not to fear the worst, but it's always in the back of my mind. He's got a rare aggressive form of sarcoma, so I'm not sure if I should be looking to far into the future for fear of what I might find.

For those of you that don't know, Mr. P's cancer has metasticized and now he has two malignant nodes in his abdomen. The diagnosis was a big blow to our states of mind; I have really lost hope for the future after a summer of healing and positivity. I don't really think I'm done fully processing it, and this time things are aggravatingly frustrating because the official diagnosis came the week before Halloween and here we are midway through December and Mr. P still hasn't been assigned any treatment yet.

I've come to realize that once you're on the medical system treadmill, it really doesn't matter how fast-moving and unpredictable or slow-moving and predictable your cancer is, the queue and the treadmill still move at the same pace no matter who you are...maybe with some money we could pass over the public system but we unfortunately don't have any of that.

That being said, on a positive note, Mr. P has taken his destiny in his own hands, somewhat. He has eschewed booze and meat for close to six weeks now in an attempt to move his body chemistry from an acidic environment (which cancer loves) to an alkaline one (which cancer hates). We are eating pretty much all dark green fresh produce, and it's been kind of fun to find alternative vegetarian meal options that taste good and are filling. I'm now eating meat on-the-sly out of the house when I can; there's no doubt that some diet modification will be a positive thing for both of us.

In addition Mr. P has started an internal treatment of Phoenix Tears, which he has to find at a local hemp dispensary. It is very expensive and he has finally found an application treatment that doesn't leave him completely stoned and paranoid all day. He's now up to a gram of liquid hemp/THC a day via a mix with coconut oil taken anally. My friends sort of joke that this should be a fun thing for us, but it is pretty much the most unsexy thing I can think of.

He's also imported some Blood Root from Guatemala that he was unable to get via any local channels including Health Stores as the concoction is on some type of national banned substance list. He has done two topical applications of this on his abdomen....it's supposed to help kill the unhealthy cells and move the tumours to the surface of the body, eventually expelling them.;

So, interestingly enough, Mr. P's been doing this all on the side without any mention to the oncologists, treatment therapists or GPs, since this is all officially unacceptable practice..they don't want to know anything about what he's been doing on his own. It's pathetic, frustrating and ridiculous that they're okay pumping him full of pharmaceutical chemicals and radiation but will not even listen to studies and cases of patients having great success using natural remedies.

Though I think some of them would personally vouch for the treatments as there is some undeniable proof that they have worked at least for some patients, some that were in much worse states than Mr. P is.

At least he's taken control of something; I have completely lost faith in the medical community to do what needs to be done to save my man in a proactive or even reactive way. Things are taking far too long and it's just bullshit. I just envision the worst outcomes because I'm not happy with the way things are going; I'm scared that they are just going to keep irradiating, pumping him full of chemicals and excising piece by piece off of him until there's nothing left...and it's not going to be quick, it's going to be slow, arduous and horrible.

Friends have been telling me that there is an end to this: it may be a few years down the road, and it will end either with Mr. P making it through and eventually getting an 'all clear' or he will end up dead. So, in a macabre sort of way, realizing that there's an end date has been a relief of sorts, though the whole ordeal has already taken its toll.

I've been feeling disassociated from him the past month or so. I'm just exhausted, depressed and done. I know I'm at a nadir in the ups-and-downs happening over the past year. The October diagnosis just really hit us hard. I'm trying to stay supportive and most of the time it's okay, but the past few weeks I've just been feeling resentful.

I've tried to self-medicate - no doubt that the trip to Chicago, Christmas with the family and the trip to Toronto have been great, but they've left me unfulfilled somewhat....I had a conversation with a friend last night that what I might be lacking is some steady emotional support from a guy that I have an intimate relationship with. I've felt out of sorts that most of my steady (and valued) play buddies have left the scene, mostly now that they're newly shacked up with boyfriends, and currently there are a couple of young playmates, but they can't really provide the emotional support I need as they are (understandably) self-absorbed and shouldn't have to deal with such a horrible situation.

OR - it might be a good idea to just go and do or get involved in something completely new, just for me, by me.

Now that Mr. P is emotionally compromised, with a very low sex drive recently (he feels so unsexy and broken these days; this is just another facet of the whole thing that is very hard to deal with and having to listen to him feel so down and vulnerable just crushes me). We haven't had sex in many weeks for these reasons but also because the Blood Root is making his abdomen very sore. He also has another growth on the base of his penis that we're not sure exactly is which is freaking him out; we're still waiting for a diagnosis on that one too *sigh*

To satisfy several variables in the equation, going forward over the holidays I feel that I have to enjoy my playdates in a neutral space - much the same as last Christmas - and I REALLY REALLY hate that I can't use my own safe and well-equipped playspace for what I want to use it for. Fuck, it makes me mad.

It's been suggested that maybe I should seek out a more mature play buddy or two that can fulfill some of the things that have been bothering me and depressing me lately...someone that would actually listen to my grievances and provide some support. I might take this advice, I'm very unhappy with the current state of affairs.

It's going to be another shitty holiday season; great, just great. We can't ever seem to get a break.

We're having discussions about getting our affairs in order. Though we are common law and we have the rights as a married couple under British Columbian and Canadian law, we want to make sure all bases are covered. We are planning on getting married in the near future and getting our wills done. In addition we are getting the rest of the household debt re-financed under the condo mortgage. It's all so upsetting knowing that none of this is joyous activity, just something that needs to get done (particularly the marriage part) and that neither of us is really feeling any joy; just that we have to get this shit done so that we're taken care of.

It's all such an uncomfortable, distasteful, worrisome, stressful situation; To top it all of, I also get the sense that a lot of our supposed friends are pulling away in order to minimize their need to process everything that's going on. It's very lonely and depressing.

I guess we'll see what this dark month of December brings.