More random thoughts

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my fetish self and the definition I have of who I am and what I represent.

On the last Saturday of February as usual was Black Saturday, and as usual I dressed up in skintight rubber and went out. As usual Tolliver and I were basically the only ones dressed up. This evening was a bit different than most in the past. First of all was the obvious; Murad, my partner-in-crime and devoted sidekick wasn't with me and thus there was this vulnerability feeling that was creeping into me - forging through this room of stares alone, again -- which wasn't helped by the fact that there were actually a couple of guys in the GAY pub that hurled violent/rude insults at me! I couldn't really believe it, but it was what it was. I had a conversation with a good friend that evening who basically spelled out for me that he thought I was over the top and that 'full dressup mode' would be best left for special occasions, ie. specific fetish evenings, fetish weekend parties, Pride, etc., etc. other than just dressing up for the hell of it because it was an unremarkable Saturday night. This crowd requires subtlety because apparently something really unusual to them makes heads explode.

For the reason that I was the unique one in the room, I am (as I am fully aware, and fully used to being the only rubberman in the room) essentially untouchable and unapproachable, thus any hope for a night of debauchery with one or more is not a reasonable conclusion unless I make special efforts myself to pursue those few who show interest, and of those that show interest, very few are going out on Saturday night without a pre-planned post-bar arrangement. This sort of situation is one that I'm very used to, and even though the nights I do rubber up I expect that I will be going home alone, I always hope for an unexpected surprise which never develops (or at least hasn't yet...except for my fortunes with Murad).

Not having Murad with me on these nights makes his loss even more painful for me. What are the chances I'll ever meet a guy again who was as completely perverted, absolutely loved rubber, and loved working on my hole as much as he did? I ask this question quite often. Hope says maybe, reality says 'wha'????

I am actually very passive in social situations despite my wide social networks and I know this is something that needs to change if I am going to make any inroads in my current environment now that I no longer have an equally energetic and kinky partner to lean on.

I had a playdate over on Saturday night. He is a cute young guy that I have been chatting with for a long time and who had shown some indication online that he had had some experience with bondage and rubber and such, however, when he showed up I found out (not really to my surprise) that he in fact had no experience but was interested in checking out these scenes and hadn't acted out on them before. Initially I was sort of frustrated as all I really wanted to do is get my rocks off and was sort of expecting an equitable play period where we could just have fun and I didn't have to play the tutor. I wasn't even really in the mood for any rubberplay this evening let alone bondage of a submissive (oh, the preparation! oh, the cleanup!), but once we got into it and I assumed my role as 'instructor' for the evening, we ended up having quite a bit of fun (and yes, we both got our rocks off).

I've come to realize that along with this role I was establishing for myself as part of my new identity in Vancouver, coming with it would be a lot of requests to provide instruction and guidance due to my apparent 'experience' with all things rubbery and bondagey and kinky; and while I feel that I've hardly scratched the surface in these areas myself, to others I am a master of the arts and thus looked up to for my experience. And to that, part of me says, "fuck, I've only begun this journey and need some guidance myself. I wanna play the sub for a change", while the other part says, "yes, you do have a responsibility to corrupt the young and impressionable and ensure that you leave whomever you play with in better condition than what you found him in, even if you personally feel you don't know very much and you may never see these guys ever again".

All of these examples point to a tipping point in my fetish expression here in Vancouver. I've come to the conclusion that 1) the scene in Vancouver is flaky and underground and apparently not very welcome in standard circles unless there is a special occasion or forewarning that this is going to be taking place in a public setting. Maybe it is time for me to 'tone it down' a bit despite my previous belief that I was doing a good thing by dressing up to go out for no other reason than that I simply enjoyed it and could possibly inspire others to do the same; 2) I don't have the mental fortitude these days to keep up dominant roles for any long duration. Obviously this will change someday as I do love assuming both dom and sub roles, but for now I just wanna play and I have a feeling that non-rubber NSA booty calls and 'visits to the spa' are going to be assuming a larger role in my sexual/physical future until I feel the capacity to carry on in something more involved with someone new again; 3) that regardless, I have a responsibility to share my experiences with guys that are interested in it no matter their age, even if it means that I may end up with some wrecked rubber or no orgasm in order to expose them to the positive aspects of bondage/rubber/breathplay/assplay/what-have-you. As long as I'm walking away having learned something as well, even if it's something as basically as what NOT to do for the next time, it's all good.

It's all part of GGG (Good, Giving, and Game. More specifically: good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason) principle. This is something I want to follow and something I think will shape my future sexual and kinky being as I move from a lost relationship that was completely GGG, aspiring to find another one someday, and filling in the gaps and holes in between these two momentous points in my life with a lot of fun, good experiences, and good men.