Thursday, March 26, 2020
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
Friday, March 20, 2020
Fantasy Fucking
Amazing scene, I've tried to put all the vid captures in one post...
some of our filming from Switzerland what a great trip! pic.twitter.com/afr3763lfy— Dungeon Daddy (@NoEscapeDungeon) March 20, 2020
My boy @LukasTylerXXX getting a great automated fucking while SECURELY bound to the fucking bench. #fuckingmachine #rubbergimp #rubberboy #pornstar pic.twitter.com/r1RAI1appP— Dungeon Daddy (@NoEscapeDungeon) December 6, 2019
Helpless #rubbergimp with @LukasTylerXXX #rubberplay #followme pic.twitter.com/uneC5w08cN— Michael Feldmann (@backstreet2001) December 6, 2019
@LukasTylerXXX sucking his rubber daddy #rubber #suspension #rubbertreatment #inflated #blowjob #rubbersession #followme pic.twitter.com/lR3Xe0CZNz— Michael Feldmann (@backstreet2001) December 6, 2019
My boy @LukasTylerXXX getting some nice play in while we are filming with @seriousbondage and @Rubngum!!! been a great trip so far! pic.twitter.com/4eQ4L2I6TH— Dungeon Daddy (@NoEscapeDungeon) December 4, 2019
Rubber fuck with @LukasTylerXXX #rubber #rubberfuck #rubberplay #rubbermen pic.twitter.com/YG6R8FOitY
— Michael Feldmann (@backstreet2001) December 6, 2019
Thursday, March 19, 2020
We Were Made For This
The best news I've heard this week.....
I've been doing my part:
Feeling a head-to-toe mood day #3 for Team Isolation. Fuck you COVID-19! #gayrubber #head2toelatex next up, industrial and bigger toys! pic.twitter.com/dJNFdrVMiQ— Matt Bauer Rubber Canuck (@speedoguru) March 18, 2020
Friday, March 13, 2020
The Significance of Community
With all the cancellations going on, and the hand-wringing by organizers all over the world, this missive from Mr. International Rubber yesterday really resonated. I wanted to share it here, because it does express how our communities are supposed to be about love and safety. In addition to the fun and sex, it is all about so much more.
We'd like to express our gratitude and appreciation to our fellow volunteer organizers of rubber, fetish and kink events during this time of global uncertainty.
It seems with each passing hour additional events are being cancelled or postponed, from Milan to Manchester, from New York to Vancouver.
Many of these events are volunteer led. While they juggle their roles as community and event leaders, these volunteers are also juggling the economic, professional, personal and health impacts in their own lives as well as those of their family, friends and colleagues as well.
Times like these can be a true test of leadership. Thankfully our rubber, fetish and kink community has plenty of leaders who are willing to make the tough decisions, and shift their focus from the fun things, to the more pressing safety and security of our communities, institutions and events.
To all of the event organizers and volunteers out there across the globe...
Thank You.
We see you.
We hear you.
We value you,
We support you,
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and beyond.
It seems with each passing hour additional events are being cancelled or postponed, from Milan to Manchester, from New York to Vancouver.
Many of these events are volunteer led. While they juggle their roles as community and event leaders, these volunteers are also juggling the economic, professional, personal and health impacts in their own lives as well as those of their family, friends and colleagues as well.
Times like these can be a true test of leadership. Thankfully our rubber, fetish and kink community has plenty of leaders who are willing to make the tough decisions, and shift their focus from the fun things, to the more pressing safety and security of our communities, institutions and events.
To all of the event organizers and volunteers out there across the globe...
Thank You.
We see you.
We hear you.
We value you,
We support you,
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and beyond.
Slut Schedule
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| Panamanian Bull's bullish hand... he's burying his tattoo in me |
After enjoying a five-man fisting orgy last night, I had to account for all my slutty endeavors over the last month. Mr. P spent two weeks in Palm Springs from Feb 21 to Mar 6, and while he was away, I had the sling and bench up 24/7. I had the opportunity to make a slutty mess of the condo without concern of creating an accident for my poor man, so I took advantage of it! I had many 'appointments' set up, had the great chance to meet a few new quality fun guys to play with in addition to reconnecting with some of my regulars.
Starting with my new pigbro E on the 22nd, I got fisted ten days, fucked an additional four more (including another epic rubber and breathplay session with SemFolego!) before I headed to San Francisco last Friday for West Coast Rubber.
E and I have had two sessions so far, and we love each other's company a lot. We both have LTRs that aren't kinky so I think we're find sessions with each other pretty special and advantageous to get out some of our piggy proclivities. He is a dirty pig like me, loves giving and taking fists, and recently I got him into some rubber which he loved. We want to do a lot more extended sessions, and hopefully settle on a standard day each week or couple of weeks. His schedule is pretty regular so we should be able to pull that off. I want to explore so much more with him! He's into smells, piss, enemas, bondage and I'm sure a few more things I can introduce him to, and I've expressed some of my most salacious bondage fantasies I want to do with him, and he's very on board for.
N33dfulthings and I have played three times in the past couple weeks, a higher frequency than normal that I'm not complaining about as we always have a good time and he always wants to get me doubled with his talented collapsible hands. I also don't mind this either! We have been watching Drag Race s12 together on Fridays and fisting after as part of our routine which I hope will continue through the season.
FFinBC has been over twice during this period as well, reintroducing himself to fisting while also working my hole over very nicely. He's very experienced as a top, and rediscovering his bottom insatiability. We've been rubbering up as well. He came over on the Saturday morning that the Panamanian Bull and I were having our first session, and suddenly we were enjoying a chariot ride, with the Bull on the reins! The Bull said this was a dream of his to fulfill; who was I to prevent that from becoming reality? haha
As for the Panamanian Bull, he's a big fucker who loves to get deep into me and apparently we're only at Level 2 and he wants to take me to Level 10 (?!), so I guess we'll see how that evolves. I've been putting him in rubber too, but his focus is on the fisting and fucking for sure. His schedule is pretty fucked; we've been having challenges getting together - it's interesting how many guys out there do not work a regular weekday 9-5 schedule.
I also had a first encounter with a very talented (genetically gifted?) pup during the first week who is a very insatiable bottom....he can take a beating! I tried my hardest to wreck him and finally did though I was an exhausted sweaty mess in the end. Topping is hard work! LOL
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| Rubbing SemFolego's big cock against my rubbered one, a little gaspy for air... |
My intent was to not bottom in San Fran, and as it turned out I didn't get much opportunity to play there anyways other than a little bit of making out and giving piss at the Play Party on Saturday. I have been a good boy this week, until Mook got loads from Mr. P and I on Wednesday, and then the fun fisting session with N33dfulthings, R, and two new buds, B and P last night. I got worked over hard last night; my butt is so happy!
N33dfulthings and I got over to P's penthouse at 9pm. We had some wine with P until B and R showed up, had a bit of conversation then started moving to the bedroom. R was already working B's hole, I came in between and we had a chain going on. N33dfulthings came and joined, B and I flipped around on each other while R fucked and fisted N33dfulthings. P was busy fielding some phone calls, so the four of us switched around a bit, N33dfulthings doubled me (and impressed the other guys LOL) until we took a break. I took B to the sling and worked on him awhile, and then we switched. N33dfulthings went home as he had a long work day and had another early morning coming up. B is a dirty pig and worked my hole beautifully, R joined in and the two of them stretched me close to doubles getting their paws into me all at once. Once they were done with me, we took another short break and finally put P in the sling and on the bed where the three of us ravaged his hole, including my attempts to give him doubles and triples. After that, I packed up and headed home. It was 12:30 already!
I'm hanging out with N33dfulthings and SemFolego tonight; we are going to Ivyhole's show at Central Studios. I'll probably just go home and relax tonight, last night was a late one and tomorrow promises to be busy. The Panamanian Bull will hopefully be coming over tomorrow, and I'm planning another hookup with E on Sundays though that may have to hold on another week until our schedules sync. The one pigbro I'm missing time with is Ivyhole; he's been busy with work, school and some event production; hopefully we can get our schedules to line up as well.
Considering all the Covid-19 stuff going on, Rubbout has been postponed, the Vancouver Rubbermen events are up in the air, and everyone is figuring it might not be a bad time to socially isolate. It's so hard though! It's a basic human need to interact with others, everyone is having a challenge dealing with all the stuff that's going on. Stay safe, everyone!
Crazy Times
As many of you know, Rubbout 2020 is postponed, pending re-scheduling in the fall. I hope we can set another weekend to do this one, it would be sad to cancel outright, however given all the other cancellations going on, the calendar in September and October might prove to be a very full one - very challenging to schedule an alternative set of dates when everyone else is doing the same thing!
Anyways, here is the official Rubbout 2020 Press Release, written up by Bowen and distributed widely.
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION
PRESS RELEASE
Rubbout 2020 is postponed until the Fall - dates TBA
Following the request by health authorities to ‘flatten the curve’ of COVID-19, we have decided to postpone Rubbout 2020 until the Fall.
Rubbout is a high-risk event because of the play party nature and large number of international attendees, particularly from Seattle, the current epicenter in North America, and a growing number of cases in Metro Vancouver. While Canada is doing a great job testing for the virus and our risk remains low, our hospitals just do not have the capacity for a large outbreak. The WHO has declared a pandemic this morning, so the next few weeks will prove to be crucial in the spread of the virus.
For an explanation of ‘flatten the curve’ please read today’s CBC news article “Canadians being urged to help ‘flatten the cure’ of COVID-19” https://apple.news/AE6xLltSDS5KAvT8m1u2aFA.
Everyone who bought a play party ticket will get a full refund. Everyone who bought a Weekend pass will get a full credit towards their next Rubbout, either Rubbout 2020 in the Fall or the 30th Anniversary next year. If you would prefer a weekend pass refund (minus Eventbee and PayPal fees) please contact rubboutvancouver@gmail.com by October 31, 2020 and request a refund. We will announce the new dates for Rubbout 2020 once details have been firmed up.
At this time, Van-Pah and the Vancouver Rubbermen are planning to hold events on April 3rd and 4th at Junction Pub and PumpJack Pub. For details check https://vanpah.com/, https://vanrubbermen.com/, or https://rubbout.com/ in the next few days.
Questions? Please refer to https://rubbout.com/contact-us/
Anyways, here is the official Rubbout 2020 Press Release, written up by Bowen and distributed widely.
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION
PRESS RELEASE
Rubbout 2020 is postponed until the Fall - dates TBA
Following the request by health authorities to ‘flatten the curve’ of COVID-19, we have decided to postpone Rubbout 2020 until the Fall.
Rubbout is a high-risk event because of the play party nature and large number of international attendees, particularly from Seattle, the current epicenter in North America, and a growing number of cases in Metro Vancouver. While Canada is doing a great job testing for the virus and our risk remains low, our hospitals just do not have the capacity for a large outbreak. The WHO has declared a pandemic this morning, so the next few weeks will prove to be crucial in the spread of the virus.
For an explanation of ‘flatten the curve’ please read today’s CBC news article “Canadians being urged to help ‘flatten the cure’ of COVID-19” https://apple.news/AE6xLltSDS5KAvT8m1u2aFA.
Everyone who bought a play party ticket will get a full refund. Everyone who bought a Weekend pass will get a full credit towards their next Rubbout, either Rubbout 2020 in the Fall or the 30th Anniversary next year. If you would prefer a weekend pass refund (minus Eventbee and PayPal fees) please contact rubboutvancouver@gmail.com by October 31, 2020 and request a refund. We will announce the new dates for Rubbout 2020 once details have been firmed up.
At this time, Van-Pah and the Vancouver Rubbermen are planning to hold events on April 3rd and 4th at Junction Pub and PumpJack Pub. For details check https://vanpah.com/, https://vanrubbermen.com/, or https://rubbout.com/ in the next few days.
Questions? Please refer to https://rubbout.com/contact-us/
Thursday, March 12, 2020
The Boy Band
Check out Race Bannon's article in the Bay Area Reporter here.
Men's Range
Yet again, Libidex is showing why they are/should be the leader in men's custom couture....their men's ranges are the best in the world! Maybe not so much for play, but for general latex fashion, they have one heck of a creative department! They sent out a preview of some of the designs for the next new men's range, and I am in LOVE with this dragon print :D
Also check out all the new men's bodysuit ranges at libidex.com.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Mr. West Coast Rubber 2020 Recap
Congratulations to the new Mr. West Coast Rubber, Mark Weston!
Despite it being a very brief trip, it was a fun and busy weekend; I'm glad I went - it was sooo great to reconnect with some old friends and acquaintances, and meet many new sexy rubbermen!
I landed early on Friday, wandered around SoMa for awhile, spent a few hours at Mr. S debating some purchases (and - proud of myself - resisted some big ticket purchases, settling on a couple of new jockstraps and sports socks), then checked into the hotel and napped prior to heading to Powerhouse for 7pm for a fun evening at the WCR Meet and Greet.
I went to the "Shiny Happy Peephole" Men's Play Party at Atlas at 10. I think the day was already too long for many; the turnout was disappointing, but I was glad to have an opportunity to chat more to some guys and even meet a few more including a sexy rubber daddy and adorable English piss puppy.
San Francisco has a bounty of great venues for community/kink/play groups to book for use. I was a bit jealous of some of these great locations to host events! Atlas is a big sparse space that could be used for a lot of things, and the fashion of giving everyone a number, everything including coat check and drinks being put on a tab which you pay when you leave is a great idea!
I got back to the hotel at 2am and crashed, forgetting that the time change overnight was going to rob me of another hour of sleep.....
Sunday I was up early to check out of my hotel, and sauntered over to Castro with my luggage, searching for wifi and brunch. I settled on Bloody Mary's at Harvey's, where I eventually met up with my dear friend Christophe, Yancy (nice to see you babe!) and his roommate Rodney for more brunch and mimosas, Greg and Frankie stopped in to give me my fan(!!!). then we walked around a bit before Christophe and I went to the Edge for the Victory Party where the rest of the rubber crew eventually settled. I left around 4:45pm to head to SFO to catch my flight. It was a regrettably short trip, but I am happy I went and got to meet so many wonderful people, including my judge-mates Nico, Rodi, and Eleven, the competitors Mark and Frankie, the organizing crew, Will, Michael, Alex, Randy, Darell, Colden, Jesse, and Jon :), Christophe's friends Ivan and Lucas, and to see the likes of Misha, Austin, and Greg again.
Many thanks to Matthew, Joel, Gus, Zac, Cody, Alan and the rest of the California crew that worked so hard to get the contest off the ground this year and host it to San Francisco! Here's hoping for a lot more success and engagement with this rejuvenated West Coast title. Wish I could've stuck around a little longer, but I hope many of you will consider coming to Rubbout 29 in a couple of weeks, or more significantly the Rubbout 30 blowout celebration April 2-4, 2021!!!!
Despite it being a very brief trip, it was a fun and busy weekend; I'm glad I went - it was sooo great to reconnect with some old friends and acquaintances, and meet many new sexy rubbermen!
I landed early on Friday, wandered around SoMa for awhile, spent a few hours at Mr. S debating some purchases (and - proud of myself - resisted some big ticket purchases, settling on a couple of new jockstraps and sports socks), then checked into the hotel and napped prior to heading to Powerhouse for 7pm for a fun evening at the WCR Meet and Greet.
A few of us squished into an Uber and ended up at a few bars in the Castro....The Mix and Midnight Sun.
Saturday I went for brunch at Rocco's on Folsom then rubbered up for interviews with Frankie and Mark at Mr. S Leathers at 1pm, then the contest started at the SF Eagle at 5. What a great turnout!
San Francisco has a bounty of great venues for community/kink/play groups to book for use. I was a bit jealous of some of these great locations to host events! Atlas is a big sparse space that could be used for a lot of things, and the fashion of giving everyone a number, everything including coat check and drinks being put on a tab which you pay when you leave is a great idea!
I got back to the hotel at 2am and crashed, forgetting that the time change overnight was going to rob me of another hour of sleep.....
Sunday I was up early to check out of my hotel, and sauntered over to Castro with my luggage, searching for wifi and brunch. I settled on Bloody Mary's at Harvey's, where I eventually met up with my dear friend Christophe, Yancy (nice to see you babe!) and his roommate Rodney for more brunch and mimosas, Greg and Frankie stopped in to give me my fan(!!!). then we walked around a bit before Christophe and I went to the Edge for the Victory Party where the rest of the rubber crew eventually settled. I left around 4:45pm to head to SFO to catch my flight. It was a regrettably short trip, but I am happy I went and got to meet so many wonderful people, including my judge-mates Nico, Rodi, and Eleven, the competitors Mark and Frankie, the organizing crew, Will, Michael, Alex, Randy, Darell, Colden, Jesse, and Jon :), Christophe's friends Ivan and Lucas, and to see the likes of Misha, Austin, and Greg again.
Many thanks to Matthew, Joel, Gus, Zac, Cody, Alan and the rest of the California crew that worked so hard to get the contest off the ground this year and host it to San Francisco! Here's hoping for a lot more success and engagement with this rejuvenated West Coast title. Wish I could've stuck around a little longer, but I hope many of you will consider coming to Rubbout 29 in a couple of weeks, or more significantly the Rubbout 30 blowout celebration April 2-4, 2021!!!!
Love Lessons
15 Lessons in Love This Gay Man Learned From Kink
By Alexander Cheves, The Advocate
Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar.
When a guy slides his hand in your ass, holding your body, guiding you through your fears and emotions, coaxing your hole to relax and open, something beautiful happens. You lock eyes, you sync, you take him in, and he’s fisting you.
Fisting requires the basic tool kit of love: chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust. You need these to make any relationship work. In a good fist session, power dynamics disappear. You become equals, complicit in this rule-defying, animal act of pleasure. You take a leap with someone and trust them, at least a little bit, to be good to you.
Fisting is one of many “alternative” sex practices (kinks) celebrated in the world of leather, rubber, and BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). I started this dark, leathery journey a few years ago, seeking sex with sexy people. Along the way I found humbling and beautiful lessons in love, devotion, forgiveness, support, and care.
Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar. Here are 15 lessons in love I learned from kink.
1. There’s no such thing as the “right” relationship.
A common lie we’ve all been told at some point is that you have to find the “right” one — and that everyone you date until them are the “wrong” ones.
Love is a not a hunt for someone to complete your life or make you whole. You’re already complete. Others come along and share time for a little while. That’s love. You share your story with them until it’s time to part ways. You’ll share it with more people in the future. Often we share it with many people simultaneously (polyamorous relationships, multiple lovers, great friends).
Some of these people may teach you how to fuck well. Others may show you how to be a supportive partner. One may help you through your HIV diagnosis. Another may help you through a painful death. No one needs prominence. No one is “the one.” They’re all important.
Kink is a community where complex, multiple-person relationships (pack relationships, leather families) may be seen as literal representations of this.
You might have a daddy in Dallas who comforts you, offers support, and gives you sweet, cuddly, furry sex. In addition to daddy, you have a sir in Seattle who trains you as a heavy BDSM submissive. You also have a cute life partner who wears glasses in your home city who loves wearing leather with you and cooking dinner with you and having threesomes with you and whatever guy you two decide to take home. You and your partner might share a submissive rubber pup who loves climbing in your sling to get his hole used.
No one of these people is the “most important.” They each love different parts of you, and it works because you’re a complex creature with different tastes, different natures. No one relationship is the “right” one.
2. Slow down.
BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) can be scary when you don’t know what you’re doing. So can love.
To newcomers, kinksters (kinky people) stress going slow, taking baby steps, building trust, and listening to people with more experience. How richer would our romances be if we all did the same?
3. People don’t belong to people.
I like getting flogged, hate-fucked, spat on, degraded, tied up, group-used, and simulated rape, but when someone calls me “theirs,” I freak out.
Kink is filled with labels that imply ownership. Daddies have boys, slaves have masters, subs have sirs, pups have handlers, and the list goes on. When I was getting started in BDSM, the labels bothered me. I hate possession. The minute someone talks about rules and exclusivity, I bolt.
Then I realized why these roles exist. Some sex practices require skills that are best taught one-on-one within the confines of a fetish relationship — where trust is developed, feedback given, and performance appraised. These roles serve real purposes: They arouse people, teach them how to enjoy the sex they want safely, and help us as a community preserve our kinks while sharing them with beginners.
I’ve seen countless kinky relationships blossom over the last few years. Most have been very beautiful to witness. They’ve taught me something important: No matter what you call yourself, whether you’re a “slave” serving a “master” or a dominatrix training a rubber gimp, you’re always free to leave.
When the pleasure stops or the learning ends, there’s no need to stay. Yes, romantic connections do develop from dominant-submissive relationships (and many healthy romances include dom-sub play), but labels like “sir” and “boy” exist for pleasure and growth. You keep them as long as they feel good. Nonkinky marriages everywhere could benefit from this simple rule: If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to keep being “husband” or “wife.”
Many nonkinky folks suffer for years in unhealthy relationships (with far fewer rules and restrictions than some BDSM pairings) never realizing this: If it’s no longer enjoyable, stop. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what’s stamped on a piece of paper if the joy is gone. People don’t belong to people.
4. There’s more to learn.
You’re not an expert — in kink or love. There are bondage pros, master bootblacks, and aficionados of leather. But few kinksters claim to know everything because there’s always someone, somewhere, with another lesson to bring you, another experience that opens your eyes. Similarly, you may know everything about your partner, but at the end they are still a mystery to you, one you get to discover a little more every day.
5. People don’t stay in roles we assign them.
My first sir called me “boy.” Then I discovered pup play and became a “pup.” As my interests have evolved and my skills advanced, “pup” is sloughing off. Who knows what I’ll be next?
Learning new kinks and advancing your skills is an exciting process that often leads kinksters through different roles. This is also true in dating. All your experiences, good and bad, change how you define yourself and make you a different person from one relationship to the next or one one phase of life to another. That’s natural and healthy.
But sometimes that can cause problems in a long-term relationship, since we tend to assign roles and see people we love a certain way, and we get scared when we wake up and realize they’re different.
I once talked to a gay couple with 20-plus years behind them and asked what their secret was. One partner said, “I had to accept the fact that he was going to change. He wasn’t going to be the same man in five years as the man I met. I decided early on that I wanted him to be everything he needed to be, no matter what, even if that led him away from me.”
It was one of the most beautiful definitions of a healthy relationship I’ve ever heard. People change. Love your partner enough to let them grow.
6. You have to talk about your feelings.
Skilled dominants depend on subs to tell them if something feels good or bad. A good dominant will learn to read your signals and your body language and learn to push you without pushing you too far. But some subs close up, retreat, freak out, or shut off. Kink depends on reading signals and responses. If you don’t give your playmate anything to read, he’s driving blind.
All relationships (kinky and nonkinky) depend on effective emotional communication. Not talking about your feelings, good and bad, is how relationships get toxic and bitter. You have to talk. You won’t always have the right words. You might say something poorly or indelicately, but it’s always better to attempt to explain your emotions than keep them quiet.
7. If there’s a problem, say something.
Kinksters are good about addressing problems. If there’s a bad dominant who ignores safe words, we get the word out and warn people. In all sub-dom pairings, the rule is that you must say something if you think something is wrong. That’s how you keep kink fun and healthy. The same goes for relationships. Problems will arise. You fix them by addressing them.
8. Your partner has to meet certain basic needs.
Many people have requirements that must to be met in order to date. Some keep a list: stable job, ability to travel, expendable income, pet lover. Others need different things: must be kinky, polyamorous, or both.
I don’t practice sexual monogamy and I don’t date Republicans. I don’t like people who are prone to yelling and shouting when they get mad. Be slow to anger and be understanding of my kinks. Enjoy putting things in my butt. Be honest. I need little else.
Some people say it’s unrealistic to have a “requirements list,” or what Dan Savage calls the “price of admission.” I disagree. I learned this from kink.
To determine a good kinky playmate, you have ample discussion beforehand. This is called “negotiation,” the pre-sex run-through of limits and safe words, turn-ons and turn-offs, things you want to do and things you’ve never done, as well as any important information they need (I have to tell every top that I’m deaf in my right ear, so if I don’t respond to interrogation questions on the right side, it’s useless to paddle me until I do).
If your interests don’t line up — if they don’t meet your basic kinks and core sexual interests — you probably shouldn’t play, because you won’t have a good time. It’s that simple.
9. Human connections resist easy definitions.
When you’re new to kink, you’re unsure of everything. You’ve enjoyed bondage porn, but you don’t know if that makes you a brutal bondage sub or simply someone who enjoys bondage as an art form (as many do).
You have to play. Try it out. See what feels right. This can take a long time. People spend years dabbling through kinks before stumbling on to something that feels right.
In the same way, people don’t come into your life with labels floating over their heads: “future boyfriend,” “soon-to-be sub.” One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to assign roles to people we like without waiting to see what space they naturally fill. Labels and titles are off-putting to me, so I resist using them until some time has passed. I’m comfortable with friend-lovers and maybe-boyfriends. Human connection doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.
10. Trust = love.
When I was in San Francisco, jobless and homeless, my former sir bought me a plane ticket, hugged me close, wiped his eyes, and sent me home. I trusted him. When I needed him, he was there. We never said this word out loud and didn’t need to: That was love.
Poets across history have tried to define love. Some say it’s cosmic and godsent, others quantify it down to a cultural construction. For me, love feels like trust.
Remember my intro slide about fisting? Fisting only happens with trust. So do most extreme kinks. If someone is going to suspend you with rope, you have to trust them. Kink has taught me that the richest experiences in life depend on trusting others — relationships among them.
In relationships, you build trust by telling the truth. I’ve never thought cheating is an automatic relationship killer, but when people lie about cheating, it becomes one. Trust is crucial to making happy relationships happen. Lies shatter trust. Your partner would rather you tell the truth about something they won’t like hearing — something you’ve done or something you’re feeling — than hear a lie. Love them enough to do so.
11. People have hurts that never go away.
Some say sexual kinks come from trauma or abuse. I think these theories are mostly bullshit — a way of pathologizing healthy human sexual behavior — but some people do find safe space in kink and BDSM to alleviate stress, anxiety, or hurt. I’ve heard stories of people who did experience trauma or abuse, then reclaimed their power and rediscovered sex through BDSM.
After some of my intense scenes, it felt like a weight was lifted off my body. The post-play feeling is like floating on air. It’s great therapy. Many others feel the same. But with that comes baggage. Intense physical stimulation brings strong emotional responses — not always positive.
People have hurts that never go away. You can never fully understand them or predict how they’ll manifest. Hurt makes us do strange things that surprise people close to us. You have to be receptive and give care (we call it “aftercare”) the best way you can.
12. Don’t judge.
Working on your judgmental tendencies will help your love life. Kink is a judgment-free zone. If you ever go to a big fetish event like International Mr. Leather in Chicago or the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco or Folsom Europe in Berlin, you’re going to see many different people with many different kinks splashed together, probably in very little clothing. Or a lot of clothing — neon rubber ponies in head-to-toe garb, complete with bit, bridle, and mane; drag kings and queens in full leather suits and heels; hooded human urinals in Lycra. Discard anything you think you know about people and simply discover them. You may walk away a proud rubber pony.
13. All bodies belong.
Most people in the U.S. grow up believing that fat bodies are unhealthy or undesirable, and that the people you see in fashion spreads are “ideal.” When we start fucking, we take these cultural lies to the bedroom.
Fuck people who look different from you. Fuck fat people. Fuck people with different skin color. Drop your preconceived notions about bodies and enjoy people. You’ll end up with better loves, better friends, and better sex.
14. Take the leap. Do what scares you.
You can read all about kink and BDSM on the internet, but you’ll never know what it’s like until you set foot into a leather bar, plan a play date, buy a harness, and put yourself in the arena. Many people get scared at this point, but you have to take the leap.
There’s only so much pre-sex negotiation you can do before you have to just do it. You’ll have good sex and bad sex, out-of-this-world sessions and mediocre ones, but you have to start somewhere. You have to face the risk that you might get hurt, that he might flake out, that you might get rejected, before you can experience wonderful nights with people who enrich your life.
Ask him out. Try the relationship. Try saying “boyfriend.” It’s scary — way scarier to me than getting fisted — but it’s worth it.
15. Try everything twice.
There’s nothing I won’t try twice. That’s what I tell playmates. Every time I find a disgusting new fetish on the internet, I think, Some sexy someone, somewhere, is into this. If I was hanging out with this sexy someone, I would probably try it.
You don’t have to be into everything, but I recommend moving through life open to a lot, with as few restrictions as you can muster. Life has a lot to offer.
Apply this to relationships, which are a minefield of different people, complex feelings, and new situations. Each relationship is different from the last. Sometimes they feel scarier than any extreme fetish, because your heart is on the line.
Kink taught me to be brave in love. Try everything twice. Bad first date? Plan a second. Bad first fuck? We all have off days. Bad bondage session? Do it again at least once more, perhaps with another kinkster. Bad breakup, bad heartbreak? Recover, then get back in the game.
By Alexander Cheves, The Advocate
Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar.
When a guy slides his hand in your ass, holding your body, guiding you through your fears and emotions, coaxing your hole to relax and open, something beautiful happens. You lock eyes, you sync, you take him in, and he’s fisting you.
Fisting requires the basic tool kit of love: chemistry, communication, intimacy, trust. You need these to make any relationship work. In a good fist session, power dynamics disappear. You become equals, complicit in this rule-defying, animal act of pleasure. You take a leap with someone and trust them, at least a little bit, to be good to you.
Fisting is one of many “alternative” sex practices (kinks) celebrated in the world of leather, rubber, and BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). I started this dark, leathery journey a few years ago, seeking sex with sexy people. Along the way I found humbling and beautiful lessons in love, devotion, forgiveness, support, and care.
Want to find the real love experts? Go to your nearest leather bar. Here are 15 lessons in love I learned from kink.
1. There’s no such thing as the “right” relationship.
A common lie we’ve all been told at some point is that you have to find the “right” one — and that everyone you date until them are the “wrong” ones.
Love is a not a hunt for someone to complete your life or make you whole. You’re already complete. Others come along and share time for a little while. That’s love. You share your story with them until it’s time to part ways. You’ll share it with more people in the future. Often we share it with many people simultaneously (polyamorous relationships, multiple lovers, great friends).
Some of these people may teach you how to fuck well. Others may show you how to be a supportive partner. One may help you through your HIV diagnosis. Another may help you through a painful death. No one needs prominence. No one is “the one.” They’re all important.
Kink is a community where complex, multiple-person relationships (pack relationships, leather families) may be seen as literal representations of this.
You might have a daddy in Dallas who comforts you, offers support, and gives you sweet, cuddly, furry sex. In addition to daddy, you have a sir in Seattle who trains you as a heavy BDSM submissive. You also have a cute life partner who wears glasses in your home city who loves wearing leather with you and cooking dinner with you and having threesomes with you and whatever guy you two decide to take home. You and your partner might share a submissive rubber pup who loves climbing in your sling to get his hole used.
No one of these people is the “most important.” They each love different parts of you, and it works because you’re a complex creature with different tastes, different natures. No one relationship is the “right” one.
2. Slow down.
BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) can be scary when you don’t know what you’re doing. So can love.
To newcomers, kinksters (kinky people) stress going slow, taking baby steps, building trust, and listening to people with more experience. How richer would our romances be if we all did the same?
3. People don’t belong to people.
I like getting flogged, hate-fucked, spat on, degraded, tied up, group-used, and simulated rape, but when someone calls me “theirs,” I freak out.
Kink is filled with labels that imply ownership. Daddies have boys, slaves have masters, subs have sirs, pups have handlers, and the list goes on. When I was getting started in BDSM, the labels bothered me. I hate possession. The minute someone talks about rules and exclusivity, I bolt.
Then I realized why these roles exist. Some sex practices require skills that are best taught one-on-one within the confines of a fetish relationship — where trust is developed, feedback given, and performance appraised. These roles serve real purposes: They arouse people, teach them how to enjoy the sex they want safely, and help us as a community preserve our kinks while sharing them with beginners.
I’ve seen countless kinky relationships blossom over the last few years. Most have been very beautiful to witness. They’ve taught me something important: No matter what you call yourself, whether you’re a “slave” serving a “master” or a dominatrix training a rubber gimp, you’re always free to leave.
When the pleasure stops or the learning ends, there’s no need to stay. Yes, romantic connections do develop from dominant-submissive relationships (and many healthy romances include dom-sub play), but labels like “sir” and “boy” exist for pleasure and growth. You keep them as long as they feel good. Nonkinky marriages everywhere could benefit from this simple rule: If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to keep being “husband” or “wife.”
Many nonkinky folks suffer for years in unhealthy relationships (with far fewer rules and restrictions than some BDSM pairings) never realizing this: If it’s no longer enjoyable, stop. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what’s stamped on a piece of paper if the joy is gone. People don’t belong to people.
4. There’s more to learn.
You’re not an expert — in kink or love. There are bondage pros, master bootblacks, and aficionados of leather. But few kinksters claim to know everything because there’s always someone, somewhere, with another lesson to bring you, another experience that opens your eyes. Similarly, you may know everything about your partner, but at the end they are still a mystery to you, one you get to discover a little more every day.
5. People don’t stay in roles we assign them.
My first sir called me “boy.” Then I discovered pup play and became a “pup.” As my interests have evolved and my skills advanced, “pup” is sloughing off. Who knows what I’ll be next?
Learning new kinks and advancing your skills is an exciting process that often leads kinksters through different roles. This is also true in dating. All your experiences, good and bad, change how you define yourself and make you a different person from one relationship to the next or one one phase of life to another. That’s natural and healthy.
But sometimes that can cause problems in a long-term relationship, since we tend to assign roles and see people we love a certain way, and we get scared when we wake up and realize they’re different.
I once talked to a gay couple with 20-plus years behind them and asked what their secret was. One partner said, “I had to accept the fact that he was going to change. He wasn’t going to be the same man in five years as the man I met. I decided early on that I wanted him to be everything he needed to be, no matter what, even if that led him away from me.”
It was one of the most beautiful definitions of a healthy relationship I’ve ever heard. People change. Love your partner enough to let them grow.
6. You have to talk about your feelings.
Skilled dominants depend on subs to tell them if something feels good or bad. A good dominant will learn to read your signals and your body language and learn to push you without pushing you too far. But some subs close up, retreat, freak out, or shut off. Kink depends on reading signals and responses. If you don’t give your playmate anything to read, he’s driving blind.
All relationships (kinky and nonkinky) depend on effective emotional communication. Not talking about your feelings, good and bad, is how relationships get toxic and bitter. You have to talk. You won’t always have the right words. You might say something poorly or indelicately, but it’s always better to attempt to explain your emotions than keep them quiet.
7. If there’s a problem, say something.
Kinksters are good about addressing problems. If there’s a bad dominant who ignores safe words, we get the word out and warn people. In all sub-dom pairings, the rule is that you must say something if you think something is wrong. That’s how you keep kink fun and healthy. The same goes for relationships. Problems will arise. You fix them by addressing them.
8. Your partner has to meet certain basic needs.
Many people have requirements that must to be met in order to date. Some keep a list: stable job, ability to travel, expendable income, pet lover. Others need different things: must be kinky, polyamorous, or both.
I don’t practice sexual monogamy and I don’t date Republicans. I don’t like people who are prone to yelling and shouting when they get mad. Be slow to anger and be understanding of my kinks. Enjoy putting things in my butt. Be honest. I need little else.
Some people say it’s unrealistic to have a “requirements list,” or what Dan Savage calls the “price of admission.” I disagree. I learned this from kink.
To determine a good kinky playmate, you have ample discussion beforehand. This is called “negotiation,” the pre-sex run-through of limits and safe words, turn-ons and turn-offs, things you want to do and things you’ve never done, as well as any important information they need (I have to tell every top that I’m deaf in my right ear, so if I don’t respond to interrogation questions on the right side, it’s useless to paddle me until I do).
If your interests don’t line up — if they don’t meet your basic kinks and core sexual interests — you probably shouldn’t play, because you won’t have a good time. It’s that simple.
9. Human connections resist easy definitions.
When you’re new to kink, you’re unsure of everything. You’ve enjoyed bondage porn, but you don’t know if that makes you a brutal bondage sub or simply someone who enjoys bondage as an art form (as many do).
You have to play. Try it out. See what feels right. This can take a long time. People spend years dabbling through kinks before stumbling on to something that feels right.
In the same way, people don’t come into your life with labels floating over their heads: “future boyfriend,” “soon-to-be sub.” One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to assign roles to people we like without waiting to see what space they naturally fill. Labels and titles are off-putting to me, so I resist using them until some time has passed. I’m comfortable with friend-lovers and maybe-boyfriends. Human connection doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.
10. Trust = love.
When I was in San Francisco, jobless and homeless, my former sir bought me a plane ticket, hugged me close, wiped his eyes, and sent me home. I trusted him. When I needed him, he was there. We never said this word out loud and didn’t need to: That was love.
Poets across history have tried to define love. Some say it’s cosmic and godsent, others quantify it down to a cultural construction. For me, love feels like trust.
Remember my intro slide about fisting? Fisting only happens with trust. So do most extreme kinks. If someone is going to suspend you with rope, you have to trust them. Kink has taught me that the richest experiences in life depend on trusting others — relationships among them.
In relationships, you build trust by telling the truth. I’ve never thought cheating is an automatic relationship killer, but when people lie about cheating, it becomes one. Trust is crucial to making happy relationships happen. Lies shatter trust. Your partner would rather you tell the truth about something they won’t like hearing — something you’ve done or something you’re feeling — than hear a lie. Love them enough to do so.
11. People have hurts that never go away.
Some say sexual kinks come from trauma or abuse. I think these theories are mostly bullshit — a way of pathologizing healthy human sexual behavior — but some people do find safe space in kink and BDSM to alleviate stress, anxiety, or hurt. I’ve heard stories of people who did experience trauma or abuse, then reclaimed their power and rediscovered sex through BDSM.
After some of my intense scenes, it felt like a weight was lifted off my body. The post-play feeling is like floating on air. It’s great therapy. Many others feel the same. But with that comes baggage. Intense physical stimulation brings strong emotional responses — not always positive.
People have hurts that never go away. You can never fully understand them or predict how they’ll manifest. Hurt makes us do strange things that surprise people close to us. You have to be receptive and give care (we call it “aftercare”) the best way you can.
12. Don’t judge.
Working on your judgmental tendencies will help your love life. Kink is a judgment-free zone. If you ever go to a big fetish event like International Mr. Leather in Chicago or the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco or Folsom Europe in Berlin, you’re going to see many different people with many different kinks splashed together, probably in very little clothing. Or a lot of clothing — neon rubber ponies in head-to-toe garb, complete with bit, bridle, and mane; drag kings and queens in full leather suits and heels; hooded human urinals in Lycra. Discard anything you think you know about people and simply discover them. You may walk away a proud rubber pony.
13. All bodies belong.
Most people in the U.S. grow up believing that fat bodies are unhealthy or undesirable, and that the people you see in fashion spreads are “ideal.” When we start fucking, we take these cultural lies to the bedroom.
Fuck people who look different from you. Fuck fat people. Fuck people with different skin color. Drop your preconceived notions about bodies and enjoy people. You’ll end up with better loves, better friends, and better sex.
14. Take the leap. Do what scares you.
You can read all about kink and BDSM on the internet, but you’ll never know what it’s like until you set foot into a leather bar, plan a play date, buy a harness, and put yourself in the arena. Many people get scared at this point, but you have to take the leap.
There’s only so much pre-sex negotiation you can do before you have to just do it. You’ll have good sex and bad sex, out-of-this-world sessions and mediocre ones, but you have to start somewhere. You have to face the risk that you might get hurt, that he might flake out, that you might get rejected, before you can experience wonderful nights with people who enrich your life.
Ask him out. Try the relationship. Try saying “boyfriend.” It’s scary — way scarier to me than getting fisted — but it’s worth it.
15. Try everything twice.
There’s nothing I won’t try twice. That’s what I tell playmates. Every time I find a disgusting new fetish on the internet, I think, Some sexy someone, somewhere, is into this. If I was hanging out with this sexy someone, I would probably try it.
You don’t have to be into everything, but I recommend moving through life open to a lot, with as few restrictions as you can muster. Life has a lot to offer.
Apply this to relationships, which are a minefield of different people, complex feelings, and new situations. Each relationship is different from the last. Sometimes they feel scarier than any extreme fetish, because your heart is on the line.
Kink taught me to be brave in love. Try everything twice. Bad first date? Plan a second. Bad first fuck? We all have off days. Bad bondage session? Do it again at least once more, perhaps with another kinkster. Bad breakup, bad heartbreak? Recover, then get back in the game.
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