Me :
Wearing a shape shifting balloon is the new fashion of 2020!
Friday, January 31, 2020
Well-Dressed
Them : how do you put your rubber on?
Me :
Wearing a shape shifting balloon is the new fashion of 2020!
Me :
Wearing a shape shifting balloon is the new fashion of 2020!
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Mr. West Coast Rubber 2020
Are you up to create and share INSANE FUN? Come compete for the Mr. West Coast Rubber 2020 title in San Francisco, March 6-8, 2020!
Eligible candidates can come from the Western U.S., Canada, and Mexico.
The first four accepted applicants who compete on stage in San Francisco receive a $200 travel cost reimbursement!
Apply now, or contact Joël Thomas Royal, Matthew Jensen, Greg Brown, or Alan Gamrican for more information.
Application: http://www.westcoastrubber.com/
Application Fee: http:/bit.ly/WCR2020AppFee
Monday, January 27, 2020
I Think I Need Help
Warning: Long life-analyzing rant to follow.
So, yeah, I know a bunch of you are going to say, "wow, this is a diatribe from a woe-is-me entitled privileged white guy" and cue the tiny violins to play, however I want to get this off my chest and at least into print so I can read and re-read it myself again over the coming weeks/months. I am hoping that this may even be the start of a bit of therapy. No one is going to read this, no one is going to respond, this blog is my diary anyways, so fuck it and the judgment and here goes....I just really need to write this all out, get some sense of what in my personality is lacking so badly that I find myself in the situation I'm in right now.
Do you ever get so unsatisfied with your life, you feel like just tossing in the towel, breaking all ties and starting all over? I've done it before, I'm sensing a growing feeling of doing it again, except this time I'm getting too old to take a leap, therefore I'm just feeling trapped.
There are so many facets of my life I am unhappy with right now, and I'm not sure what to do. It's leading to depression about my situation that I can't seem to shake off. I have no desire to do the clean break and restart; granted it is very liberating and interesting for awhile, but historically I find that I end up in the same situations with the same type of people that made me want to do the previous clean break (due to the shortcomings in my personality that lead to such predictable conclusions and the bad choices I make, perhaps?). I have some issues I need to deal with and I'm realizing that the 'clean break and run' method is how I handle a lot of the symptoms without dealing with the root causes.
So, yeah, I know a bunch of you are going to say, "wow, this is a diatribe from a woe-is-me entitled privileged white guy" and cue the tiny violins to play, however I want to get this off my chest and at least into print so I can read and re-read it myself again over the coming weeks/months. I am hoping that this may even be the start of a bit of therapy. No one is going to read this, no one is going to respond, this blog is my diary anyways, so fuck it and the judgment and here goes....I just really need to write this all out, get some sense of what in my personality is lacking so badly that I find myself in the situation I'm in right now.
Do you ever get so unsatisfied with your life, you feel like just tossing in the towel, breaking all ties and starting all over? I've done it before, I'm sensing a growing feeling of doing it again, except this time I'm getting too old to take a leap, therefore I'm just feeling trapped.
There are so many facets of my life I am unhappy with right now, and I'm not sure what to do. It's leading to depression about my situation that I can't seem to shake off. I have no desire to do the clean break and restart; granted it is very liberating and interesting for awhile, but historically I find that I end up in the same situations with the same type of people that made me want to do the previous clean break (due to the shortcomings in my personality that lead to such predictable conclusions and the bad choices I make, perhaps?). I have some issues I need to deal with and I'm realizing that the 'clean break and run' method is how I handle a lot of the symptoms without dealing with the root causes.
So, in lieu of jumping ship and joining a witness protection program, I am forced to look at these issues head-on and figure out solutions to turn this ship around into the winds that will carry me forward.
Root cause analysis: I have major issues with abandonment and loss to the point of getting major stress and anxiety of even the thought of losing something or someone that is dear to me, even more so those relationships that I've believed are a central part of my being, that I've applied a lot of my own time and effort into growing or nurturing. I can get anxiety to the point that I'm sabotaging that which I'm trying to save.
When the person I hold dear doesn't reciprocate, gives up on me, or jumps ship, it sucks the joy out of the entire experience, and I end up feeling disappointment or resentment over that which used to bring me happiness (or so what I thought was happiness), that I've been taken advantage of, or simply just a fool to believe that something could be honest and unconditional in giving me joy and happiness. I can't even look back fondly after this. At some point I just want to throw my hands up, cut my losses and move on while trying my best to bury the pain of the loss in distractions and self-destructive coping mechanisms.
Part of the mitigation strategy for me over the years has been to try ridiculously hard to make everyone happy around me, meanwhile inside I feel so ugly and lacking, especially when I feel the plan, method and approach to create the happiness for everyone else doesn't work out as I expect it to, which results in a compounding of the frustration and disappointment in myself. And that isn't even considering anything that would bring me personal satisfaction, everything is always for everyone else! ARGH I feel so incapable of knowing how to bring real happiness to myself!! How I've never had enough self-confidence to be stoic in my decisions to say NO sometimes when it's warranted.
I am starting to understand how a lot of this comes from unresolved things from my childhood and teenage years. All those years of sheer terror, confusion, and loneliness of being gay and kinky from the very start but not understanding what any of it meant other than that I was different from everyone else, that I what I desired in my life was only worthy of ridicule, judgment and fire and brimstone punishment, what made me feel good and what turned me on was completely abhorrent and perverse to everyone else, and that the exposing of that truth, the panic of being discovered and exposed, would be the end of me and everything I knew. The only way to mitigate it was to completely shut it all down and lock it all up. To not share anything with anyone. There was absolutely no one I trusted that I could disclose any of these feelings to for years, decades.
I spent most of my childhood living in this fear, somberness, and loneliness.....on a remote farm in the middle of nowhere with no resources of any sort to try and figure this shit out. Just me left with my own thoughts. I could never express how I truly felt, to express myself truthfully was only going to end up in sadness and loss. I had no one to confide in, and my parents - bless them and their limited resources and understanding - couldn't react to my needs in any way that they could understand or that would console and comfort me. I also lost key people I depended on in my younger years including my brother who was my only constant friend and confidant for most of my childhood, and some of my best friends when I came out as gay. Hiding behind escapism (all the partying, booze, drugs, etc.) to try and deal with it, or at a minimum kicking the can further down the road to delay having to face everything and sort it all out.
Again, related to all of this is the fact I've focused on pleasing people my entire life as another protective device - if they were pleased with me, they wouldn't delve any deeper into my psyche because 'everything was fine', or at least if they accidentally saw what was there, I could only hope that they would be able to still tolerate keeping me in their lives due to the fact I was always trying so hard to be nice to them, I'd be a useful asset to manipulate if the need ever arose, but at least having some semblance of a relationship would be a relief to me...at least I didn't have to deal with losing them. Hence my problem ever saying 'no' - how could I say 'no' when there's a chance I'd put everything in jeopardy if people started looking into why I stood up to them?
I still feel this way about my relationships today, and feeling complete frustration with what looks to be self-sabotage in many of the things I've been doing recently. Being the eternal people-pleaser over time leads to more and more frustration and dissatisfaction as I get older. I feel more and more being taken advantage of by people in general over the years....all the meanwhile not dealing with trying to figure out what would make me feel happy and satisfied and why I need to focus on everyone else's happiness so much. I've been trying to be more true to my feelings and my desire for true connection with all the vulnerability required to make those connections, however I feel that once again I am being rejected, just like all the times before.
I tried to reach out for help several times in my life to people I felt I had a real connection with, only to be shunned, declined, or ignored due to the discomfort of the topic at hand, the lack of understanding and empathy by everyone involved. Each time I tried to reach out for some support, it ended up being a disappointing rejection. This happened again and again; eventually I just gave up, a hopeless case, something I'd only ever be able to deal with myself. I couldn't even get any reassurance that I was okay and everything was going to be okay, the only one I could depend on was myself (good lord, now that is a recipe for disaster!).
More specific to the current lay of the land, I cite some relationship examples in the next section. Please don't look at the individuals in the scenarios below as monsters, they are in fact loving and caring people who have probably been more hurt by me than me by them (maybe).
Root cause analysis: I have major issues with abandonment and loss to the point of getting major stress and anxiety of even the thought of losing something or someone that is dear to me, even more so those relationships that I've believed are a central part of my being, that I've applied a lot of my own time and effort into growing or nurturing. I can get anxiety to the point that I'm sabotaging that which I'm trying to save.
When the person I hold dear doesn't reciprocate, gives up on me, or jumps ship, it sucks the joy out of the entire experience, and I end up feeling disappointment or resentment over that which used to bring me happiness (or so what I thought was happiness), that I've been taken advantage of, or simply just a fool to believe that something could be honest and unconditional in giving me joy and happiness. I can't even look back fondly after this. At some point I just want to throw my hands up, cut my losses and move on while trying my best to bury the pain of the loss in distractions and self-destructive coping mechanisms.
Part of the mitigation strategy for me over the years has been to try ridiculously hard to make everyone happy around me, meanwhile inside I feel so ugly and lacking, especially when I feel the plan, method and approach to create the happiness for everyone else doesn't work out as I expect it to, which results in a compounding of the frustration and disappointment in myself. And that isn't even considering anything that would bring me personal satisfaction, everything is always for everyone else! ARGH I feel so incapable of knowing how to bring real happiness to myself!! How I've never had enough self-confidence to be stoic in my decisions to say NO sometimes when it's warranted.
I am starting to understand how a lot of this comes from unresolved things from my childhood and teenage years. All those years of sheer terror, confusion, and loneliness of being gay and kinky from the very start but not understanding what any of it meant other than that I was different from everyone else, that I what I desired in my life was only worthy of ridicule, judgment and fire and brimstone punishment, what made me feel good and what turned me on was completely abhorrent and perverse to everyone else, and that the exposing of that truth, the panic of being discovered and exposed, would be the end of me and everything I knew. The only way to mitigate it was to completely shut it all down and lock it all up. To not share anything with anyone. There was absolutely no one I trusted that I could disclose any of these feelings to for years, decades.
I spent most of my childhood living in this fear, somberness, and loneliness.....on a remote farm in the middle of nowhere with no resources of any sort to try and figure this shit out. Just me left with my own thoughts. I could never express how I truly felt, to express myself truthfully was only going to end up in sadness and loss. I had no one to confide in, and my parents - bless them and their limited resources and understanding - couldn't react to my needs in any way that they could understand or that would console and comfort me. I also lost key people I depended on in my younger years including my brother who was my only constant friend and confidant for most of my childhood, and some of my best friends when I came out as gay. Hiding behind escapism (all the partying, booze, drugs, etc.) to try and deal with it, or at a minimum kicking the can further down the road to delay having to face everything and sort it all out.
Again, related to all of this is the fact I've focused on pleasing people my entire life as another protective device - if they were pleased with me, they wouldn't delve any deeper into my psyche because 'everything was fine', or at least if they accidentally saw what was there, I could only hope that they would be able to still tolerate keeping me in their lives due to the fact I was always trying so hard to be nice to them, I'd be a useful asset to manipulate if the need ever arose, but at least having some semblance of a relationship would be a relief to me...at least I didn't have to deal with losing them. Hence my problem ever saying 'no' - how could I say 'no' when there's a chance I'd put everything in jeopardy if people started looking into why I stood up to them?
I still feel this way about my relationships today, and feeling complete frustration with what looks to be self-sabotage in many of the things I've been doing recently. Being the eternal people-pleaser over time leads to more and more frustration and dissatisfaction as I get older. I feel more and more being taken advantage of by people in general over the years....all the meanwhile not dealing with trying to figure out what would make me feel happy and satisfied and why I need to focus on everyone else's happiness so much. I've been trying to be more true to my feelings and my desire for true connection with all the vulnerability required to make those connections, however I feel that once again I am being rejected, just like all the times before.
I tried to reach out for help several times in my life to people I felt I had a real connection with, only to be shunned, declined, or ignored due to the discomfort of the topic at hand, the lack of understanding and empathy by everyone involved. Each time I tried to reach out for some support, it ended up being a disappointing rejection. This happened again and again; eventually I just gave up, a hopeless case, something I'd only ever be able to deal with myself. I couldn't even get any reassurance that I was okay and everything was going to be okay, the only one I could depend on was myself (good lord, now that is a recipe for disaster!).
More specific to the current lay of the land, I cite some relationship examples in the next section. Please don't look at the individuals in the scenarios below as monsters, they are in fact loving and caring people who have probably been more hurt by me than me by them (maybe).
1. I have been still feeling a lot of frustration and vulnerability of the new dynamics with Mook and all the guys I've met through him; I have been anxious about trying to mesh with him and them, with this subliminal fear that I will lose whatever connection I have left with Mook if I can't make it all work and that I'm not worthy of these guys' attention and effort; they're putting up with me due to him still wanting me around. I gave so much of myself to Mook and I still hurt from the sudden and shocking change in our relationship. For years, we talked about the possibility of him finding someone else to fulfill unfulfilled aspects of his life (though he didn't know exactly what that void was, he blamed himself not being 'good boyfriend material'), and also agreed that we spent far too much time together and needed to wean off of each other to protect ourselves (we knew this good thing was temporary and never going to last forever), but for the time being he was more than happy expending his time, effort and intimacy with me - at least that's what he kept telling me; of course despite knowing it wasn't going to last, I wanted him to be there all the time with me, I was so madly in love with him. I would have been in it for the long haul had he and Mr. P been committed to making it work. In Mook, for the first time possibly ever, I felt I had found someone I could be vulnerable and honest with, someone that actually loved me for me, and not what I represented or did, and I felt that that has been run over; all that energy required to deal with my anxieties to force myself to be vulnerable to another human being thrown out. More rejection, holy fuck, it never ends and it never stops hurting.
What was I not providing him that drove him away so quickly and easily? I'm just a silly old manipulative daddy. Look how easy he is to manipulate! Hilarious! hahaha!
For example, I sometimes felt that I was putting more effort into it, or at least paying and planning for Mook in order to have him by my side when doing what I wanted to do just to 'have him there' - I just wanted to be physically and emotionally close to him all the time, I was getting more of this out of my relationship with Mook than my relationship with Mr. P, at least on an emotional level. Small things I've noticed, like now I see how he effortlessly spends money on what he does with Codeness and spends 99.9% of his time in his new relationship - like why couldn't he even have been minimally reciprocal when we were together? I never seemed to dawn on him - or it did, and he just let me take care of it anyways. I even explained how important reciprocity was to me (and given my insecurities, reciprocity with a very short turnaround time) - I can't help but feel a little discarded or taken advantage of, or as Mook's boy Pup Satyr describes it, "shelved". Did all that not really matter to him? Obviously it didn't matter as much to him as it did to me.
I feel that he still does this, doesn't offer to pay for things that I used to give him for free though I've told him it's not a free ride anymore, things that as part of the social contract he knows he should be responsible as a productive adult to manage and represent on; he doesn't chip in when there is a group thing that needs to be paid for, or something that is expected from the social contract, and he doesn't have (or chooses to ignore?) the social sensitivity required, which leads to more discomfort for me as
What was I not providing him that drove him away so quickly and easily? I'm just a silly old manipulative daddy. Look how easy he is to manipulate! Hilarious! hahaha!
For example, I sometimes felt that I was putting more effort into it, or at least paying and planning for Mook in order to have him by my side when doing what I wanted to do just to 'have him there' - I just wanted to be physically and emotionally close to him all the time, I was getting more of this out of my relationship with Mook than my relationship with Mr. P, at least on an emotional level. Small things I've noticed, like now I see how he effortlessly spends money on what he does with Codeness and spends 99.9% of his time in his new relationship - like why couldn't he even have been minimally reciprocal when we were together? I never seemed to dawn on him - or it did, and he just let me take care of it anyways. I even explained how important reciprocity was to me (and given my insecurities, reciprocity with a very short turnaround time) - I can't help but feel a little discarded or taken advantage of, or as Mook's boy Pup Satyr describes it, "shelved". Did all that not really matter to him? Obviously it didn't matter as much to him as it did to me.
I feel that he still does this, doesn't offer to pay for things that I used to give him for free though I've told him it's not a free ride anymore, things that as part of the social contract he knows he should be responsible as a productive adult to manage and represent on; he doesn't chip in when there is a group thing that needs to be paid for, or something that is expected from the social contract, and he doesn't have (or chooses to ignore?) the social sensitivity required, which leads to more discomfort for me as
I sense social obligation around me 24/7. Even if he has free time, he spends it all with Codeness and it feels sometimes that he doesn't even consider that he has other relationships he needs to nurture or that there are other people out there he needs to spend time with. How expendable am I? Very, it seems.
I get a few hours with him on Thursday evenings every week which is more than most people in his life, but it's very minimal (though admittedly, whenever I see him and tell him how I feel I do feel better for it, even briefly). I feel I'm being played for a fool, taken advantage of - again, and for what? I feel all that Mook values now is the sex; there is no longer any desire for intimacy from me because he's getting his needs fulfilled from his sudden 100% full-time new awesome amazing relationship, and the rest of us are simply played as expendibles....pawns...and if we can't get on board with this sudden superficiality/lack of intimacy/what-have-you, we're going to get shelved permanently. Even if sex is how he expresses his caring and intimacy, why does he stick around? If he finds the the extraneous stuff taking too much time, energy or emotion, why would he even care to maintain these other intimate relationships if he's getting so much fulfillment from his primary one? He isn't really engaged in the things going on in our lives like he used to. The rest of us are left lacking, and he is the one getting everything he wants.
Sometimes I feel like I should just discard it all - it isn't helping my mental health at all feeling like I'm just continuing to feed my vicious cycle of being played over and over again throughout my life. Still not able to say 'no' when I should. He constantly tries to reassure me that that isn't the case, that he really cares, that he really loves me, that he wants to keep me in his life. I want to believe it so badly, I try to paint over any hesitancy I have with what he says to me, but it's hard not to feel at least a little bit manipulated.
2. I haven't been feeling genuinely paid attention to, or that my input or opinion counts to anyone I hang out with, or just feeling generally old and ugly, out-of-touch and irrelevant to the point that I get it in my head that guys are hanging out with me, for example, just to placate some requirement by Mook that everyone has to remain friends and hang out together. Or great young men like SemFolego or N33dfulthings that are just hanging out with me for convenience and the fun gear and toys I provide, and not because I'm a good man to hang out with with a sparkling personality as an older man that is captivating enough to maintain their young, easily distracted, constantly-horny attention and interest. I'm an old figurehead that needs to be handled delicately until the torch is passed and then I'm expendable there too.
3. It's been hard giving up control of things in the rubber community I've been fully in control of for so long. It may have been one of the only true passionate things I've ever had in my life. Rubber and spandex, cycling and running....my trinity.....
I keep getting reassured that it's a team effort, that we're all working together for a common goal, yet the young guys tell me when I suggest approaches to things that 'this is the way things are done because the younger guys no longer search for what they are looking for' or 'no one communicates by email anymore', and that everything needs to be broadcast out there because the young guys cherry pick the things they want from the flood of information they shift through every day. For one consideration, what about all the older members of the community, do they not matter anymore? See? I'm nit-picking on non-issues again, though I find it all pretty ridiculous, like, holy fuck no wonder you're all stressed and anxiety-ridden to the max having to wade through all the bullshit to find a few jewels that might look remotely interesting.
I feel so many of them have this framework of reality shaped by the superficiality of their childhoods - video game characters, animated children's TV programs, all the information of the world immediately accessible, the blockbuster animation of movies in their formative years in the 90s. I find they talk in pretty fantastical terms sometimes, and get resentful when I give them some experiential reality check on human behaviour....maybe how I present it comes across as too abrasive, maybe it's something about the ugly reality of human behaviour that they haven't had to experience yet in their 'superficial worldview' experiences on social media, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore, the younger generations are playing on a completely different game board. Their world views, no matter how fantasy-based they are, are now all of our reality. Our pre-internet understanding of what reality is is obsolete. Holy fuck! This is very hard to process. Have I become obsolete? Is the significance of what true visceral human contact and communication means a lost cause?
4. With the new minds and ideas suggesting ways to do things, I realize how ineffective and uncommitted I've been as a leader and mentor for so many years, when it was just me, it was easy to get tired and/or discouraged by having to drum solo for so long. Perspectives admittedly got corrupted. As the solo rubber guy banging the drum in this region of the world for so long, I didn't entertain the notions of trying things differently or more effectively to try and get the tribe together, increase numbers, ensure that everyone was having fun; it really didn't matter much to me anymore and that realization makes me feel bad too. Lots of wasted years and potential. It was so very exhausting and disappointing to be the only one for so long......oh god, now that sounds like my childhood all over again. At least I have the inspiration of the young guys like Sem Folego, that seem to have shown up just as I was about to give up hope and give up doing everything I have been doing. Man, I wish he'd appeared here seven years ago, things could've ended up so differently. The first man to show up with a passion for rubber matching mine since I moved to Vancouver almost eleven years ago. Goddamn, we're few and far between....
I'm realizing that I've always been a NICE GUY, but not a very GOOD MAN.
5. Mr P and I are in a pretty messed up point in our relationship; I feel sometimes it's only the openness of our relationship that allows me to keep tolerating it. It's more of a long-term convenience contract these days now that we're closing in on ten years together. There is very little intimacy and sometimes I feel that he doesn't respect or care about my well-being, that his casual attitude towards everything in his life means that I'm not getting my needs from him fulfilled. His personality traits that I once thought were an advantage are now feeling not-so-much like advantages. Admittedly, I'm becoming of the same opinion about him and his well-being. It is all manifesting as anger in me. He's been basically unemployed since the cancer and leg loss thing almost six years ago, and I've been covering everything for the both of us since then. Of course I've been harbouring resentment about all this, and feeling bad for feeling resentful too. This isn't how relationships are supposed to work, but then again, our relationship has always been anything but conventional.
When we fuck it seems it's only when someone else is around, like there's some immediate expectation for him to be seen fucking me to indicate everything's okay, or that I'm conveniently the only hole in the room and he's finally horned up in the mood enough to do something about it, or I just happen to be in the sling at the right time so he begrudgingly does it though he'd rather fuck Mook or one of the younger guys but I'm the hole available at that moment. There have been so many warning signs over the years, I won't get into any of these here. I just don't know why I've just played along for so long, thinking settling for less than I wanted was good enough. Or watching him go to that greedy boy Mook while I just sit on the sidelines. Fuck that pisses me off.
I feel he wouldn't have much to do with me at all other than there just being the familiarity of what we currently have and his dependence on my money and charity. I couldn't give two fucks about it sometimes and then sometimes it drives me crazy. I know we're supposed to be in this together for the long run but holy fucking shit, how much do I tolerate!? Am I unattractive? Why doesn't he want to fuck me anymore? Why has he had this weird thing about never wanting to suck my dick (because I get more pleasure out of my hole?) or even entertain the notion of pleasuring me without selfishly having it always have some immediate benefit for him? I find him to be more selfish of a lover as time goes on, I find myself feeling less and less obligated to do anything about it. I do lots of things for him though they're not my favorite things to do, but he won't play nice coming from the other direction. Maybe I am unattractive, maybe my ugliness on the inside is exposed and now everyone can see it, including my husband.
I haven't been wearing my anger and frustration very well. And so this resentment, confusion and frustration grows and manifests in anger that I display in many facets of my day-to-day. He is SUPPOSED to be in the best income-generating years of his life, yet he isn't bringing much of anything to the table, and as a result, my retirement plans are being negatively impacted (the entire plan is getting fucked, in my opinion), and in the meantime, our lifestyle in the present time is diminished because we don't have any disposable income to enjoy our lives as I feel we should be at this point in our lives. I haven't busted my ass for the past 30 years just to not have less money now than I did ten years ago. It's fucking STUPID. Sure we have property - he focused on that single asset while I focused on building equity over the past few decades, so for the future, we both bring something to the table, but none of that really helps us in the present, does it?
It's so frustrating. I get so angry. I am not going to be able to retire when I want to or enjoy the fruits of all my hard work and dedication to the cause I began contributing to in my 20s because of him and because of my LACK OF CONFIDENCE to pursue the things that make me happy and just saying NO sometimes. This is exactly the same situation I was in over a decade ago with my last LTR, and now I find myself here again. FUCK!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I feel I'd like to just drop him and start over again on my own, at least get some control of my personal life back again instead of having to do so much for him because I was too stupid or proud or 'nice guy' to walk away when things went south six years ago. The signs were there, I didn't do anything about it.
6. Why do I feel like I am always out there busting my ass to please everyone else, and never suere how to please myself, not really knowing who I am or what I need to make me feel fulfilled and content and figure out what makes me me? For decades, I have avoided facing the hard truths of trying to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I need to fulfill myself for all the reasons analyzed above. I'm not sure why other than the fears of making myself vulnerable and exposing my weaknesses, of losing control of my sober reality - why I escape from reality so hard, whether it be through partying or my fetishes and sexual fantasies - that I'm so scared to face myself in the mirror.
Perhaps it's a fear that I'll be as disappointed and bored with myself as I perceive everyone else sees me to be.
7. Looking at some of the other extraneous stuff - my friend groups? Meh, lots of drinking buddies. Most of the relationships are superficial. Gay men are frustratingly impossible to get intimacy from and generally this makes me sad and longing. I need more connection, none of them can give it (or they give it and then take it away). These people couldn't care less when the chips are down. Everyone's too wrapped up in their own issues to give a fuck about mine. As time has been moving on, I've noticed they listen less to what I have to say, respect less the input I bring to the conversation, speak over me more and more in group conversations when I try to say something. I feel that due to my deteriorating attitude towards everything, they are seeing less and less value of having me around or valuing what I bring to the table any more. It's just been a non-stop downhill slide.
8. Fuck buddies? Meh, they look at me as the old Ron Jeremy Hedgehog of the group, they'd edit me out of the content we've been creating on JustForFans and Xtube if they could. I'm a temporal convenience that happens to have a lot of neato gear and toys to use as props. I don't feel like I contribute much more than a fist and a cock occasionally - the disembodied arm in the corner of the screen going into the hole of the hot young stud, never mind there being any true emotional attachments there. I don't think I'm a hedgehog, I'd like to get control of the content featuring me and see if I can't make a go of generating some revenue out of it....someone out there somewhere must appreciate me! I may not be hanging out with the right guys to make me feel valued and sexy. These people also tell me that I do matter to them, but I find it hard to believe given what I perceive.
9. The rubber guys? Suddenly, I'm too old and out-of-touch along with most of the cohort I've been working with for the past 15 years on this stuff. Sure, it's just part of carrying the generational torch, but deep down, this part of my being has just been decades of loneliness and not being able to figure out how to embrace the brotherhood and camaraderie to help build myself up. Sure, everyone 'appreciates' what I bring to the table, but it hasn't produced a single example of passionate rubbermen to support the cause or to support me. I feel in this area I've been doing everything wrong for so long that it's just better to quit while I'm ahead, to hand it completely over to someone else to do with it what they want, step into the retirement shadows, lurk there for eternity, while at the same time, the spectre of giving all the control up has just been causing me additional stress and unhappiness and leading to unfounded confrontations (more self-sabotage at work).
10. I've let so many of my old friends that I considered the life-long friends and support group fall by the wayside. For the longest time I've just stopped giving a shit about pretty much everything. I don't know how much of that is recoverable - do I even want to maintain all these old long-term relationships from the past? Some of them have been disengaged for so long I'm not sure if it really matters anymore. I feel the same way about my parents and my family most of the time. I don't care about my roots, I don't care about trying to 'find myself' anymore. I don't like where I came from, I don't like where I've been, I don't like my current situation, I don't like where I'm going, I'm sick of my job, I'm tired of my communities. Sigh.
They've all hurt me and/or disappointed me over and over, I've just stopped giving a shit, any desire to feel something, anything remotely fulfilling about all the things I've done in my life. I am humiliated about my lack of self-confidence and self-identity. So here we are.
People try to reassure me that everything's okay; I don't feel it. I don't like my life, I don't like myself. Perhaps it's time to seriously consider paying for some therapy. I need some better coping mechanisms and I need to feel better about myself, I need some substance, I need some passion; I need to stop framing my well-being based on how I interpret everyone else around me is interpreting me. It's hasn't been very constructive and obviously hasn't made my any more happy or satisfied.
Writing all of this down has helped me connect some more dots in the puzzle. I haven't solved anything but at least it's a start.
I get a few hours with him on Thursday evenings every week which is more than most people in his life, but it's very minimal (though admittedly, whenever I see him and tell him how I feel I do feel better for it, even briefly). I feel I'm being played for a fool, taken advantage of - again, and for what? I feel all that Mook values now is the sex; there is no longer any desire for intimacy from me because he's getting his needs fulfilled from his sudden 100% full-time new awesome amazing relationship, and the rest of us are simply played as expendibles....pawns...and if we can't get on board with this sudden superficiality/lack of intimacy/what-have-you, we're going to get shelved permanently. Even if sex is how he expresses his caring and intimacy, why does he stick around? If he finds the the extraneous stuff taking too much time, energy or emotion, why would he even care to maintain these other intimate relationships if he's getting so much fulfillment from his primary one? He isn't really engaged in the things going on in our lives like he used to. The rest of us are left lacking, and he is the one getting everything he wants.
Sometimes I feel like I should just discard it all - it isn't helping my mental health at all feeling like I'm just continuing to feed my vicious cycle of being played over and over again throughout my life. Still not able to say 'no' when I should. He constantly tries to reassure me that that isn't the case, that he really cares, that he really loves me, that he wants to keep me in his life. I want to believe it so badly, I try to paint over any hesitancy I have with what he says to me, but it's hard not to feel at least a little bit manipulated.
2. I haven't been feeling genuinely paid attention to, or that my input or opinion counts to anyone I hang out with, or just feeling generally old and ugly, out-of-touch and irrelevant to the point that I get it in my head that guys are hanging out with me, for example, just to placate some requirement by Mook that everyone has to remain friends and hang out together. Or great young men like SemFolego or N33dfulthings that are just hanging out with me for convenience and the fun gear and toys I provide, and not because I'm a good man to hang out with with a sparkling personality as an older man that is captivating enough to maintain their young, easily distracted, constantly-horny attention and interest. I'm an old figurehead that needs to be handled delicately until the torch is passed and then I'm expendable there too.
3. It's been hard giving up control of things in the rubber community I've been fully in control of for so long. It may have been one of the only true passionate things I've ever had in my life. Rubber and spandex, cycling and running....my trinity.....
I keep getting reassured that it's a team effort, that we're all working together for a common goal, yet the young guys tell me when I suggest approaches to things that 'this is the way things are done because the younger guys no longer search for what they are looking for' or 'no one communicates by email anymore', and that everything needs to be broadcast out there because the young guys cherry pick the things they want from the flood of information they shift through every day. For one consideration, what about all the older members of the community, do they not matter anymore? See? I'm nit-picking on non-issues again, though I find it all pretty ridiculous, like, holy fuck no wonder you're all stressed and anxiety-ridden to the max having to wade through all the bullshit to find a few jewels that might look remotely interesting.
I feel so many of them have this framework of reality shaped by the superficiality of their childhoods - video game characters, animated children's TV programs, all the information of the world immediately accessible, the blockbuster animation of movies in their formative years in the 90s. I find they talk in pretty fantastical terms sometimes, and get resentful when I give them some experiential reality check on human behaviour....maybe how I present it comes across as too abrasive, maybe it's something about the ugly reality of human behaviour that they haven't had to experience yet in their 'superficial worldview' experiences on social media, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore, the younger generations are playing on a completely different game board. Their world views, no matter how fantasy-based they are, are now all of our reality. Our pre-internet understanding of what reality is is obsolete. Holy fuck! This is very hard to process. Have I become obsolete? Is the significance of what true visceral human contact and communication means a lost cause?
4. With the new minds and ideas suggesting ways to do things, I realize how ineffective and uncommitted I've been as a leader and mentor for so many years, when it was just me, it was easy to get tired and/or discouraged by having to drum solo for so long. Perspectives admittedly got corrupted. As the solo rubber guy banging the drum in this region of the world for so long, I didn't entertain the notions of trying things differently or more effectively to try and get the tribe together, increase numbers, ensure that everyone was having fun; it really didn't matter much to me anymore and that realization makes me feel bad too. Lots of wasted years and potential. It was so very exhausting and disappointing to be the only one for so long......oh god, now that sounds like my childhood all over again. At least I have the inspiration of the young guys like Sem Folego, that seem to have shown up just as I was about to give up hope and give up doing everything I have been doing. Man, I wish he'd appeared here seven years ago, things could've ended up so differently. The first man to show up with a passion for rubber matching mine since I moved to Vancouver almost eleven years ago. Goddamn, we're few and far between....
I'm realizing that I've always been a NICE GUY, but not a very GOOD MAN.
5. Mr P and I are in a pretty messed up point in our relationship; I feel sometimes it's only the openness of our relationship that allows me to keep tolerating it. It's more of a long-term convenience contract these days now that we're closing in on ten years together. There is very little intimacy and sometimes I feel that he doesn't respect or care about my well-being, that his casual attitude towards everything in his life means that I'm not getting my needs from him fulfilled. His personality traits that I once thought were an advantage are now feeling not-so-much like advantages. Admittedly, I'm becoming of the same opinion about him and his well-being. It is all manifesting as anger in me. He's been basically unemployed since the cancer and leg loss thing almost six years ago, and I've been covering everything for the both of us since then. Of course I've been harbouring resentment about all this, and feeling bad for feeling resentful too. This isn't how relationships are supposed to work, but then again, our relationship has always been anything but conventional.
When we fuck it seems it's only when someone else is around, like there's some immediate expectation for him to be seen fucking me to indicate everything's okay, or that I'm conveniently the only hole in the room and he's finally horned up in the mood enough to do something about it, or I just happen to be in the sling at the right time so he begrudgingly does it though he'd rather fuck Mook or one of the younger guys but I'm the hole available at that moment. There have been so many warning signs over the years, I won't get into any of these here. I just don't know why I've just played along for so long, thinking settling for less than I wanted was good enough. Or watching him go to that greedy boy Mook while I just sit on the sidelines. Fuck that pisses me off.
I feel he wouldn't have much to do with me at all other than there just being the familiarity of what we currently have and his dependence on my money and charity. I couldn't give two fucks about it sometimes and then sometimes it drives me crazy. I know we're supposed to be in this together for the long run but holy fucking shit, how much do I tolerate!? Am I unattractive? Why doesn't he want to fuck me anymore? Why has he had this weird thing about never wanting to suck my dick (because I get more pleasure out of my hole?) or even entertain the notion of pleasuring me without selfishly having it always have some immediate benefit for him? I find him to be more selfish of a lover as time goes on, I find myself feeling less and less obligated to do anything about it. I do lots of things for him though they're not my favorite things to do, but he won't play nice coming from the other direction. Maybe I am unattractive, maybe my ugliness on the inside is exposed and now everyone can see it, including my husband.
I haven't been wearing my anger and frustration very well. And so this resentment, confusion and frustration grows and manifests in anger that I display in many facets of my day-to-day. He is SUPPOSED to be in the best income-generating years of his life, yet he isn't bringing much of anything to the table, and as a result, my retirement plans are being negatively impacted (the entire plan is getting fucked, in my opinion), and in the meantime, our lifestyle in the present time is diminished because we don't have any disposable income to enjoy our lives as I feel we should be at this point in our lives. I haven't busted my ass for the past 30 years just to not have less money now than I did ten years ago. It's fucking STUPID. Sure we have property - he focused on that single asset while I focused on building equity over the past few decades, so for the future, we both bring something to the table, but none of that really helps us in the present, does it?
It's so frustrating. I get so angry. I am not going to be able to retire when I want to or enjoy the fruits of all my hard work and dedication to the cause I began contributing to in my 20s because of him and because of my LACK OF CONFIDENCE to pursue the things that make me happy and just saying NO sometimes. This is exactly the same situation I was in over a decade ago with my last LTR, and now I find myself here again. FUCK!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I feel I'd like to just drop him and start over again on my own, at least get some control of my personal life back again instead of having to do so much for him because I was too stupid or proud or 'nice guy' to walk away when things went south six years ago. The signs were there, I didn't do anything about it.
6. Why do I feel like I am always out there busting my ass to please everyone else, and never suere how to please myself, not really knowing who I am or what I need to make me feel fulfilled and content and figure out what makes me me? For decades, I have avoided facing the hard truths of trying to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I need to fulfill myself for all the reasons analyzed above. I'm not sure why other than the fears of making myself vulnerable and exposing my weaknesses, of losing control of my sober reality - why I escape from reality so hard, whether it be through partying or my fetishes and sexual fantasies - that I'm so scared to face myself in the mirror.
Perhaps it's a fear that I'll be as disappointed and bored with myself as I perceive everyone else sees me to be.
7. Looking at some of the other extraneous stuff - my friend groups? Meh, lots of drinking buddies. Most of the relationships are superficial. Gay men are frustratingly impossible to get intimacy from and generally this makes me sad and longing. I need more connection, none of them can give it (or they give it and then take it away). These people couldn't care less when the chips are down. Everyone's too wrapped up in their own issues to give a fuck about mine. As time has been moving on, I've noticed they listen less to what I have to say, respect less the input I bring to the conversation, speak over me more and more in group conversations when I try to say something. I feel that due to my deteriorating attitude towards everything, they are seeing less and less value of having me around or valuing what I bring to the table any more. It's just been a non-stop downhill slide.
8. Fuck buddies? Meh, they look at me as the old Ron Jeremy Hedgehog of the group, they'd edit me out of the content we've been creating on JustForFans and Xtube if they could. I'm a temporal convenience that happens to have a lot of neato gear and toys to use as props. I don't feel like I contribute much more than a fist and a cock occasionally - the disembodied arm in the corner of the screen going into the hole of the hot young stud, never mind there being any true emotional attachments there. I don't think I'm a hedgehog, I'd like to get control of the content featuring me and see if I can't make a go of generating some revenue out of it....someone out there somewhere must appreciate me! I may not be hanging out with the right guys to make me feel valued and sexy. These people also tell me that I do matter to them, but I find it hard to believe given what I perceive.
9. The rubber guys? Suddenly, I'm too old and out-of-touch along with most of the cohort I've been working with for the past 15 years on this stuff. Sure, it's just part of carrying the generational torch, but deep down, this part of my being has just been decades of loneliness and not being able to figure out how to embrace the brotherhood and camaraderie to help build myself up. Sure, everyone 'appreciates' what I bring to the table, but it hasn't produced a single example of passionate rubbermen to support the cause or to support me. I feel in this area I've been doing everything wrong for so long that it's just better to quit while I'm ahead, to hand it completely over to someone else to do with it what they want, step into the retirement shadows, lurk there for eternity, while at the same time, the spectre of giving all the control up has just been causing me additional stress and unhappiness and leading to unfounded confrontations (more self-sabotage at work).
10. I've let so many of my old friends that I considered the life-long friends and support group fall by the wayside. For the longest time I've just stopped giving a shit about pretty much everything. I don't know how much of that is recoverable - do I even want to maintain all these old long-term relationships from the past? Some of them have been disengaged for so long I'm not sure if it really matters anymore. I feel the same way about my parents and my family most of the time. I don't care about my roots, I don't care about trying to 'find myself' anymore. I don't like where I came from, I don't like where I've been, I don't like my current situation, I don't like where I'm going, I'm sick of my job, I'm tired of my communities. Sigh.
They've all hurt me and/or disappointed me over and over, I've just stopped giving a shit, any desire to feel something, anything remotely fulfilling about all the things I've done in my life. I am humiliated about my lack of self-confidence and self-identity. So here we are.
People try to reassure me that everything's okay; I don't feel it. I don't like my life, I don't like myself. Perhaps it's time to seriously consider paying for some therapy. I need some better coping mechanisms and I need to feel better about myself, I need some substance, I need some passion; I need to stop framing my well-being based on how I interpret everyone else around me is interpreting me. It's hasn't been very constructive and obviously hasn't made my any more happy or satisfied.
Writing all of this down has helped me connect some more dots in the puzzle. I haven't solved anything but at least it's a start.
#DollyPartonchallenge
#DollyPartonchallenge. Completed by the Gimp Man of Essex! :)
And another one created by sexy German rubberman Subliminal!
The Power of Our Communities
The Leather Community Isn't 'Degenerate' — It Leads the LGBTQ Movement
Contributor Daniel Arrieta gives a history lesson to those who would promote prejudice and sex-shaming.
BY DANIEL ARRIETA
JANUARY 24 2020 12:48 PM EST
This past Martin Luther King Jr., Day, gay writer Brad Polumbo — in an op-ed for the Washington Examiner — described a perfectly normal weekend of Mexican cuisine and binging Game of Thrones with his boyfriend, while an older friend spent time with his family.
In another part of Washington, D.C., my husband and I also enjoyed a perfectly normal weekend with our friends alongside hundreds of attendees at Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend (MAL for short). We purchased leather and rubber outfits that would usually be out of our budget and then watched people in varying states of dress (or undress) enjoy themselves. For example, a slightly older gay man we know spent the weekend at the hotel with his husband and their newly adopted human puppy.
Across the country, millions of LGBTQ people such as us went about their normal lives celebrating who they are unapologetically, without making any headlines in the process.
However, the difference between these two experiences is that my husband and I didn’t slam those who opted against wearing latex suits with detachable butt plugs as being any less a part of the LGBTQ community. Polumbo, however, accused a tribe of consenting adults at a private event of being “degenerates” and “giving us all a bad name and annihilating what progress we’ve made.”
In the controversial commentary piece, the gay writer proceeded to lament how the gay community’s persistent “hypersexualization” of the Pride movement is “an affront to gay acceptance,” the fight for which was apparently rooted in heteronormative assimilation and the assertion that “real-life gay people tend to be as boring and domestic as anyone else.” Oh, and he described programs to diversify MAL through events celebrating queer people, transgender people, and people of color as both “disgusting” and “eminently harmful to gay progress and acceptance.”
Oh, sweetie darling, just where to start…
First of all, let’s address the problematic social construct of “normal.” For one, in the eyes of far too many people in this country, you, a homosexual, will never be “normal.” In fact, you are the very degenerate they believe is destroying America. And no amount of heteronormative and cis-normative camouflage will make them think differently. If all we — or members of any marginalized community — are concerned with is reinforcing the majority’s idea of what normal is, then we will never be able to overcome barriers to full recognition of our humanity and the rights inherent to it.
Second, let’s set the record straight about exactly who ignited and continues to advance the “Pride movement” you reference that affords you the right to serve and marry. To be clear, it was the very same disgusting, degenerate people that you described — the transgender community, people of color, and the leather community — that rioted at Stonewall, fought on the frontlines of the AIDS crisis, and marched for equality without any of the protections that you enjoy. Indeed, what strengthens today’s LGBTQ movement is the expansion of focus and attention beyond the “L” and the “G” of our alphabet to an increasingly inclusive recognition and embrace of the complexity of human sexuality and gender expression.
And finally, to put it bluntly: sex shouldn’t be some flavorless mush slopped on a cafeteria tray. Instead, it should be a glorious, plentiful buffet endowed with ever-changing colors, aromas, and textures. We, as queer people, are the creative, sexual anarchists that propel exploration into all the sensations engineered in the human body. We should be free to celebrate the fun in sex in all its myriad forms. Also, many of us understand that queer sex will always be, to some degree, an act of civil disobedience and political revolution. So why not liberate ourselves from sexual norms that never applied to us in the first place?
Indeed, Brad, we shouldn’t be more like what you imagine “normal” heterosexual people are. Trust me, they’re just as kinky and public about it. Consider Burning Man, Coachella, Spring Break, Mardi Gras, and any number of thousands of public celebrations and festivals where straight people frequently flaunt their sexuality with wild abandon.
Instead, perhaps heterosexuals should be more like the hundreds who enjoyed MAL — perfectly normal LGBTQ people who have finally learned that their bodies and affections are not a source of shame, but pride, joy, and love.
This freedom does not destroy the movement. In fact, it defines it.
Contributor Daniel Arrieta gives a history lesson to those who would promote prejudice and sex-shaming.
BY DANIEL ARRIETA
JANUARY 24 2020 12:48 PM EST
This past Martin Luther King Jr., Day, gay writer Brad Polumbo — in an op-ed for the Washington Examiner — described a perfectly normal weekend of Mexican cuisine and binging Game of Thrones with his boyfriend, while an older friend spent time with his family.
In another part of Washington, D.C., my husband and I also enjoyed a perfectly normal weekend with our friends alongside hundreds of attendees at Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend (MAL for short). We purchased leather and rubber outfits that would usually be out of our budget and then watched people in varying states of dress (or undress) enjoy themselves. For example, a slightly older gay man we know spent the weekend at the hotel with his husband and their newly adopted human puppy.
Across the country, millions of LGBTQ people such as us went about their normal lives celebrating who they are unapologetically, without making any headlines in the process.
However, the difference between these two experiences is that my husband and I didn’t slam those who opted against wearing latex suits with detachable butt plugs as being any less a part of the LGBTQ community. Polumbo, however, accused a tribe of consenting adults at a private event of being “degenerates” and “giving us all a bad name and annihilating what progress we’ve made.”
In the controversial commentary piece, the gay writer proceeded to lament how the gay community’s persistent “hypersexualization” of the Pride movement is “an affront to gay acceptance,” the fight for which was apparently rooted in heteronormative assimilation and the assertion that “real-life gay people tend to be as boring and domestic as anyone else.” Oh, and he described programs to diversify MAL through events celebrating queer people, transgender people, and people of color as both “disgusting” and “eminently harmful to gay progress and acceptance.”
Oh, sweetie darling, just where to start…
First of all, let’s address the problematic social construct of “normal.” For one, in the eyes of far too many people in this country, you, a homosexual, will never be “normal.” In fact, you are the very degenerate they believe is destroying America. And no amount of heteronormative and cis-normative camouflage will make them think differently. If all we — or members of any marginalized community — are concerned with is reinforcing the majority’s idea of what normal is, then we will never be able to overcome barriers to full recognition of our humanity and the rights inherent to it.
Second, let’s set the record straight about exactly who ignited and continues to advance the “Pride movement” you reference that affords you the right to serve and marry. To be clear, it was the very same disgusting, degenerate people that you described — the transgender community, people of color, and the leather community — that rioted at Stonewall, fought on the frontlines of the AIDS crisis, and marched for equality without any of the protections that you enjoy. Indeed, what strengthens today’s LGBTQ movement is the expansion of focus and attention beyond the “L” and the “G” of our alphabet to an increasingly inclusive recognition and embrace of the complexity of human sexuality and gender expression.
And finally, to put it bluntly: sex shouldn’t be some flavorless mush slopped on a cafeteria tray. Instead, it should be a glorious, plentiful buffet endowed with ever-changing colors, aromas, and textures. We, as queer people, are the creative, sexual anarchists that propel exploration into all the sensations engineered in the human body. We should be free to celebrate the fun in sex in all its myriad forms. Also, many of us understand that queer sex will always be, to some degree, an act of civil disobedience and political revolution. So why not liberate ourselves from sexual norms that never applied to us in the first place?
Indeed, Brad, we shouldn’t be more like what you imagine “normal” heterosexual people are. Trust me, they’re just as kinky and public about it. Consider Burning Man, Coachella, Spring Break, Mardi Gras, and any number of thousands of public celebrations and festivals where straight people frequently flaunt their sexuality with wild abandon.
Instead, perhaps heterosexuals should be more like the hundreds who enjoyed MAL — perfectly normal LGBTQ people who have finally learned that their bodies and affections are not a source of shame, but pride, joy, and love.
This freedom does not destroy the movement. In fact, it defines it.
Rubbercanuck in the Vac-bed
I managed to be the first one to enjoy the vac-bed demo at the VRM January Meet + Play. Right after these pics were taken, my lovely boy Pup Satyr stroked my cock to full erection. It was soo enjoyable; demos were limited to 15 minutes, I needed another 5 to blow my load! :D
Fuck and Fist Weekend
I didn't get into any rubber this weekend, but there was a lot of fucking going on....
Thursday evening Mook was over for his weekly visit, he managed to slip a hand in me for a bit and fuck me good before heading to work. We haven't been able to fuck properly for a couple weeks now so this was welcome.
Friday night SemFolego and I met with the manager of the new Queer clubspace in Vancouver about the feasibility of moving our Vancouver Rubbermen Meet + Play monthly event to Central Studios from our current home at Pumpjack. We are seeking a more exclusive space that will allow us to truly kick our events up a notch while adding structure and quality to the event. Not surprisingly, Central is focused on revenue generation and we were offered an early evening timeslot, so long as we produce a 'pre-party' for the event that is slated to occur after us. This isn't what we're really looking for at this point in time - yet - so I think we'll be staying at Pumpjack for the time being. We have a meeting with Pumpjack management this week to see if we can extend our Meet + Play hours from 2-5pm to possibly 6pm or 7pm, and do some reconfiguring of the back area to maximize our play and demo space.
As you may have seen, we have started the rebranding process for Vancouver Rubbermen on our Facebook group, Twitter, Telegram and the website. I hope that our efforts will pay off!
After the meeting with Central, I went home where Mr. P and our friend G were cooking food. N33dfulthings came over around 8; I started working N33fulthings hole relatively soon after and Mr. P and G joined us in some group fucking after that. Mr. P was banging N from one side of the bed while G banged me on the other side, N and I held on to each other for support in the middle! N33dfulthings then took a turn on my hole, slipped me three double fists in a row, and then we got on our backs and fisty-nined. It was so fucking hot! N33dfulthings blew his load during the fisty-nining and left around 1am, G and Mr. P proceeded to fuck me for a few more hours, I ended up passing out on them while they kept playing for another hour or so until 3-4am.
I got up earlyish on Saturday, did some errands and laundry, then Mook and Codeness, Mr. P our friend H and I went to the Meat Draw. We each won some meat, came home and had a nap before Mook and Codeness came over around 9pm, joined by our friends Fox and Skunk, and we had a great six-man orgy for the rest of the evening. I was feeling a bit tired and emotional from the night before, so I was being a bit of a brat which sucked but I managed to stay up and engaged for the evening. I got sick from maybe a bad mix of coffee and beer too late in the evening, but recovered mostly.
Fox and Skunk went home around 1:30am, Mook and Codeness stayed around for some more fucking and playing until 3am or so. It was a great night with a great collection of handsome and sexy fuckbuds. I am happy to know this group and happy to know they want to continue doing sex session like this with some regularity going forward.
Sunday we got up, went for brunch with friends, met some of the Shadow Falls crew at the Pumpjack beer bust, then went to pub trivia at Fountainhead to wrap up the evening. It was a very fun weekend!
I'm playing with Ivyhole on Tuesday, Mook on Thursday, meeting with SemFolego and Pumpjack management on Wednesday. The weekend coming up is the big Van-PAH celebration weekend when Seattle and Portland show up, they are doing a pup dance party at Central on Saturday night, I am inspired to get dolled up in my rubber puppy outfit and joining the boys at that event!
Thursday evening Mook was over for his weekly visit, he managed to slip a hand in me for a bit and fuck me good before heading to work. We haven't been able to fuck properly for a couple weeks now so this was welcome.
Friday night SemFolego and I met with the manager of the new Queer clubspace in Vancouver about the feasibility of moving our Vancouver Rubbermen Meet + Play monthly event to Central Studios from our current home at Pumpjack. We are seeking a more exclusive space that will allow us to truly kick our events up a notch while adding structure and quality to the event. Not surprisingly, Central is focused on revenue generation and we were offered an early evening timeslot, so long as we produce a 'pre-party' for the event that is slated to occur after us. This isn't what we're really looking for at this point in time - yet - so I think we'll be staying at Pumpjack for the time being. We have a meeting with Pumpjack management this week to see if we can extend our Meet + Play hours from 2-5pm to possibly 6pm or 7pm, and do some reconfiguring of the back area to maximize our play and demo space.
As you may have seen, we have started the rebranding process for Vancouver Rubbermen on our Facebook group, Twitter, Telegram and the website. I hope that our efforts will pay off!
After the meeting with Central, I went home where Mr. P and our friend G were cooking food. N33dfulthings came over around 8; I started working N33fulthings hole relatively soon after and Mr. P and G joined us in some group fucking after that. Mr. P was banging N from one side of the bed while G banged me on the other side, N and I held on to each other for support in the middle! N33dfulthings then took a turn on my hole, slipped me three double fists in a row, and then we got on our backs and fisty-nined. It was so fucking hot! N33dfulthings blew his load during the fisty-nining and left around 1am, G and Mr. P proceeded to fuck me for a few more hours, I ended up passing out on them while they kept playing for another hour or so until 3-4am.
I got up earlyish on Saturday, did some errands and laundry, then Mook and Codeness, Mr. P our friend H and I went to the Meat Draw. We each won some meat, came home and had a nap before Mook and Codeness came over around 9pm, joined by our friends Fox and Skunk, and we had a great six-man orgy for the rest of the evening. I was feeling a bit tired and emotional from the night before, so I was being a bit of a brat which sucked but I managed to stay up and engaged for the evening. I got sick from maybe a bad mix of coffee and beer too late in the evening, but recovered mostly.
Fox and Skunk went home around 1:30am, Mook and Codeness stayed around for some more fucking and playing until 3am or so. It was a great night with a great collection of handsome and sexy fuckbuds. I am happy to know this group and happy to know they want to continue doing sex session like this with some regularity going forward.
Sunday we got up, went for brunch with friends, met some of the Shadow Falls crew at the Pumpjack beer bust, then went to pub trivia at Fountainhead to wrap up the evening. It was a very fun weekend!
I'm playing with Ivyhole on Tuesday, Mook on Thursday, meeting with SemFolego and Pumpjack management on Wednesday. The weekend coming up is the big Van-PAH celebration weekend when Seattle and Portland show up, they are doing a pup dance party at Central on Saturday night, I am inspired to get dolled up in my rubber puppy outfit and joining the boys at that event!
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Hairy Bitch
Looking back at all my follicle overproduction gloriousness.....this pic was taken by Boy Spence at one of the VRM Meet + Plays in 2019. I just thought I'd share it here.
Monday, January 20, 2020
VRM January Meet + Play
Wow, what a turnout on Saturday! I think there was some pent-up demand for a rubber event; the number of guys that showed up exceeded all expectations! Thanks to all you pervs, thanks to the guys that stuck me in the vac-bed and proceeded to stimulate me to within an inch of my being! haha
Here's hoping we can keep the energy going in February and (possibly) enjoy the fruits beared by a new venue and a new time. Stay tuned.
Here's hoping we can keep the energy going in February and (possibly) enjoy the fruits beared by a new venue and a new time. Stay tuned.
Friday, January 17, 2020
Pose, Drone Rubberdom!
Here are front and back views of my 'Drone Hypno Rubberdom' look.....just before being returned to the docking wall, where the Rubberdom will remain until requested back in service to receive commands from the trusted Rubbermaster. Once instructions are received, the Rubberdom is expected to execute the commands given. Of course the command mask needs to be added to complete the package.
New Rubber!
SemFolego and I are hosting (possibly our last) Vancouver Rubbermen Meet + Play for January at Pumpjack Pub. We have a meeting with the managers at Central Studios tonight to see what opportunities there are to utilize that sex-positive space for our future VRM events. We see the exclusivity of the space and the possibility of securing a better regularly-scheduled time to be the best options for our growing club and foster its improvements and growth into the future.
We partnered with Rubbout to purchase a set of foam play-mats for exclusive use by the rubber groups; instead of borrowing the mats from Van-PAH or the leather men, we can abuse ours all we want and not have to explain why everything is covered in lube to anyone!
We are also looking to re-brand Vancouver Rubbermen; the banner that I created with Sly Hands for the club is beautiful, traditional and symbolic, but for future branding, marketing and printing, a newer simpler logo has been suggested. SemFolego has been working on several iterations of a new logo - some utilized the traditional look of the city flags, others implement the Rubber Pride flag, others still are unique in their own way. What do you think? We're going to present these to the Meet attendees tomorrow for some feedback.
Also, we are implementing 'photo rules' at the meets, and asking everyone to wear a wristband to indicate whether they can be photographed at the events or not, as we really want to increase the volume of photography in order to have more content to market the club with. The Meets are now going to have a regular rotating theme in the hopes that we can encourage more of the rubbermen with particular niche fetishes to feel more engaged and hopefully get everyone to experience other facets of rubber fetishism they may not normally see.
Yesterday, SemFolego, Mook and I went to Shawn at Sinners and Pervs latex. We are planning a team outfit for Rubbout 29 in April, so we were in Shawn's workshop getting measured and planning our outfits. There are four of us in this initiative, we are very excited about what we're putting together. It's a fun plan to dress up as rubber Mario, Luigi, Wario and Waluigi...
.....with shirts and jumpers that will be modifiable enough for different outfits, looks and also durable enough for play. I anticipate looking similar to what the real Mario (@thedoctorpuss) looks like in his awesome rubber Mario outfit below (how appropriate!):
Monday, January 6, 2020
The Hole-idays
Well, despite what was generally considered a 'tame and chill' holiday season by most of my friends and lovers, I did manage to get a few nights and days of depravity in over the holidays.
I think for any of you that follow my Twitter, you have seen the results of many of these debaucherous pigfests, particularly with IvyHole and N33dfulthings. I love pigging out with these two, they are smart, handsome, fun, with experimental streaks. I also got a few sessions in with SemFolego, including my birthday sex party/fistfest which we had on the 28th. Mr P was off and on during the season, so wasn't really dependable, and unfortunately Mook worked the entire holiday season, and on top of that, he and his boyfriend, and a few other friends of theirs that are occasional fuck buddies of mine, were all on antibiotics! Merry Christmas, sluts! LOL
Some of the things I/we got up to between Dec 25 and Jan 5:
I think for any of you that follow my Twitter, you have seen the results of many of these debaucherous pigfests, particularly with IvyHole and N33dfulthings. I love pigging out with these two, they are smart, handsome, fun, with experimental streaks. I also got a few sessions in with SemFolego, including my birthday sex party/fistfest which we had on the 28th. Mr P was off and on during the season, so wasn't really dependable, and unfortunately Mook worked the entire holiday season, and on top of that, he and his boyfriend, and a few other friends of theirs that are occasional fuck buddies of mine, were all on antibiotics! Merry Christmas, sluts! LOL
Some of the things I/we got up to between Dec 25 and Jan 5:
Feeling my Hypno Drone Dom realness #gayrubber #rubberfetish @vanrubbermen pic.twitter.com/M3mZxS2yKS— Matt Bauer Rubber Canuck (@speedoguru) December 27, 2019
Condom breathplay is FIERCE! 🤣 #gayrubber #rubberman #rubbergimp #breathcontrolplay pic.twitter.com/4AcojYeqC2— Matt Bauer Rubber Canuck (@speedoguru) December 23, 2019
Boys, noise and some toys. My ass gets opened up by @ivyhole and @N33dfulthings2. #pigbros...— Matt Bauer Rubber Canuck (@speedoguru) December 27, 2019
See this and more at:https://t.co/qDfTEEwXEq pic.twitter.com/BUA0hVRbzD
We tag team this slutty ass slaves hole wide open. He begs for me at every knuckle. Up now!https://t.co/AsdiyxWppQ— Ivyhole (@Uwe_Mann79) January 5, 2020
.@N33dfulthings2 @speedoguru @JustForFansSite #slave #gayslave #ff #fist #fisting #fistfuck #bareback #groupsex #sex #gaypig #fistpig #gape #butt #muscle #fuck pic.twitter.com/gToFHMTEpI
I'd made a good fister slave. Yes sir. Deep sir. With @speedoguru and @Uwe_Mann79 #gayhole #gayporn #gaymen #gayass #gayff #ffpig #fisting #ff #gayslut #gaypig #fistpig pic.twitter.com/DFA6r93tI1— N33dfulthings (@N33dfulthings2) December 31, 2019
Pleasuring my Sir @SemFolegoSW as an obedient rubber drone should #gayrubber #gaylatex #gayfetish #rubbergimp #rubbercock pic.twitter.com/Iz3kPL42A0— Matt Bauer Rubber Canuck (@speedoguru) January 1, 2020
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