I am in Victoria for the first time alone since March on this business trip this week. It has been a lonely and sad experience. It is strange that I really notice the little things Rubb Nuck Jr. and I did together being the ones I miss the most; beyond the nightly play sessions, hanging all the rubber and laying out all the toys when we first got to the hotel...I notice his absence the most when I'm doing stupid little things like making late night meals, coming back to the hotel after work, and of course, sleeping in this big bed by myself every night. It really sucks how things worked out...I wish I could change things or turn back time and do things differently. Love does really hurt.
What hurts the most is that he has completely removed me from his life. I'm unfriended on Facebook, blocked on Recon and Squirt, no way to contact him other than text messages or voicemails. At least he responded this week to tell me he didn't want to see me. I know I have to give him space and time but it's killing me. I've never had anyone reject me so completely before. It's especially hard being here in Victoria, knowing he's out there somewhere and I can't see him, smile at him, hug him, kiss him. Fuck this sucks. I'm never going to have that back again.
I used to love coming here, now it blows. I hate it, I've been depressed for weeks; all I want to do is go home to Mr. P. My situation there is less than ideal but at least I know I have people there that tolerate me.
My work situation away from my work team there sucks. I have to figure something out. I can't keep coming back here, yet I hate going to sit in my cubicle in Burnaby everyday, alone.
My friends tell me that things will blow over and time will heal. Maybe they're right but it certainly doesn't feel like it right now. I haven't had a deep connection with many people in my life and I haven't had someone I love reject me like this. It hurts...a lot. I appreciate the pain so much more now, something I've done to others but am now feeling for the first time.
And once again, the eternal battle between making yourself vulnerable and giving yourself fully to someone persists. Shit.
Like Rubb Nuck said, we are being punished for the things we did and the decisions we made. It seems so cruel, especially considering all the events that got us to this point were all for love. God, it's going to be a <strikethrough>long time</strikethrough> never before I let myself fall in love like that again.
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