Reflection

I'm only writing this here as a public declaration of my mistakes...and hopefully it is a bit cathartic for me - more details may come out in the future, but not today - everything is too raw and painful right now. I hope you're reading, RN Jr. This is for you.

I've made some big mistakes over the last couple of months that I'm not proud of and have hurt people very close to me, in particular Rubb Nuck Jr. and Mr. P.

I thought that I had everything figured out and had all the solutions to make everything work out the way I wanted it to and assumed it would work out that way...I figured I could have my cake and eat it too, all the while I just ended up smashing everything and coming out smelling like a shitty asshole.

I am very sorry for all the pain and anger I have caused you two and I hope that someday you will forgive me, RN Jr. I was blinded by lust, happiness, excitement, and joy and not looking at reality very clearly for the past six months. Now that everything has been exposed for what it really is, I've starkly discovered that things cannot and will not turn out the way I had hoped, and now cannot and will not go back to the way they were.

For that, I'm sorry that I dragged you along this crazy journey; it was the wrong journey to take with you, and it was never my intent for everything to blow up and hurt all of us. Now I don't have you as a lover, a friend, or a rubberboy anymore...I have lost my amazing connection with you and potentially lost my most amazing sex partner forever.

The funny thing is, things did unfold almost just as we expected they might at the very beginning, yet we still ended up seemingly surprised, and ultimately devastated with the final outcome. I loved you and still love you and should've known better...as soon as love came into the equation I should've ended it, but I was too enthralled with you to let you go.

Rubb Nuck Jr: I'm very sorry for everything. I hope someday you will forgive me.

RC