10 Things to Know

Dan Savage referenced this 2008 post from Ben In Leatherland's blog this week.  I think it is great advice for gay guys just beginning to explore BDSM.

As you'll read in the description, this blog is aimed at bridging the gap between the leather community and those clean cut, preppy boys (and girls, but my experience is mostly with gay men) who were always curious about bondage/sm... but turned off by the perception of leather as old, fat, hairy men. A friend of mine suggested I start with a list of basic things you should know before you start exploring. So here are 10 things you all should know:

1. Start with your dick! Look at porn! What makes you hot? The community is large and has a variety of fetishes: BDSM, gear, leather, etc... Look at porn and check out kinky social sites! While the sense of community can be great, it really all starts with play. So, what are you into?

2. And this is directly related to #1: use porn as an inspiration, not as a rulebook. When it comes to BDSM and D/s relationships, a lot of people have made the mistake of trying to be just like the guys they saw in some hot porn. At best this can lead to disappointment. At worst it can put you in real danger. Porn and erotica are not real! They are scripted and designed to make our dicks twitch. While it may sound hot, being tied up for five days straight isn't terribly realistic.

3. Start slow. Now you are all horny and ready to go, but don't rush things. This whole world can be overwhelming if you try to become too many things at once. Take the time to figure out who you are when it comes to kink!

4. Be open and honest. If you want to tell your boyfriend you are curious about fetish play, then tell him! Drop hints if you want, but I find being blunt and open works best. If you are starting a D/s relationship, be open and honest about what exactly you want and realistically can handle (I recommend jerking off before these discussions so you aren't thinking with your dick heh). Even if you're just starting to play with someone new, find ways to slip it in or your partner won't know.

5. Don't be an ageist. If you aren't into older men, that is your business, but be respectful. I have learned from a lot of different men, some of them much older than me. What I have learned from them has helped me explore my sexuality deeper than I otherwise could have. Whether friends or lovers, be open to the more experienced.

6. Do some research. As much as I recommend having mentors in the scene, make the effort to educate yourself. There is plenty of literature on kink and BDSM, both online and in print (I highly recommend "The Ties that Bind" by: Guy Baldwin).

7. Be accepting of other people's sexuality. It is a little hypocritical to judge another guy's kink when you like to get pissed on. By normative sex standards, we are all pretty fucked up, so try not to be too judgemental. Just say "that isn't really my scene, but its cool if you are into it". If you disagree, try to consider the parallels between this and homophobia.

8. Know yourself. This is a multifaceted rule. Know what you love, like, tolerate, and won't do in terms of play. Also try to figure out why you are looking for certain things. Most kink is perfectly healthy sexual behavior. However, make sure you aren't getting into something for the wrong reason. For example: some "slaves" want to loose all their rights and privileges because their life is shit and they are looking for an escape. Since no Master is capable of fixing everything, it never works out for either partner.

9. Protect yourself. If a situation seems really shady: it probably is. Once you are tied up, you really are in the other person's hand, so make sure they are trustworthy. If you are meeting someone online for the first time: leave a note saying where you'll be and who you are meeting (with a friend or just on your desk so if you go missing the police will find it and track down the psycho who, unfortunately, has killed and/or kidnapped you). Make sure the guy you are meeting knows about this. If he is really uncomfortable with it, explain your reasoning. If he is still uncomfy, move on.

10. Talk about it. Don't feel the need to be too graphic, but the more we talk about kink, the less taboo it becomes. All my friends know I am a kinky little pig. Plenty of them have even confided in me that they have their own interests they have wanted to explore. When we all open up, we make kink more accessible, and therefore more fun!

Last but not least: HAVE FUN!